About myself

Recently I have been visiting many others blogs everywhere in the world, not really, most of them are in Japan and Australia.
However I thought million people have million lives.
I don't know why I cannot stay at same place any longer. I am always traveling since I was born.
Am I a traveler?
Even though after moved to overseas I moved a lot already.
Was I a sailer in my previous life?

And I feel shame about myself is I always leave some body at the previous place and they have to stay there without me. Am I such a important person? Do I make them sad? I feel sorry about that.

Recently my darling is not a good situation but he should decide what he wants to do himself but I feel I have given a quite a lot affection to him.
I am a not patient person and I wind some one's thought but not on purpose.
I feel I am able to change some one's life and I should not do that.
However all people have their own lives so my life is just mine. I hope I have not done anything to others lives.
(Now I am listening the radio so I cannot keep concentration what I am writing so my writing is quite messy)
I should stop to write... 

I had a dream last night that was about my friend. She finally upset to me and gave everything back that I gave to her before. And I said something that I should not say. One of the stuff was my favorite neck lease that was white and pretty beads on it, and I said "Oh, did you have it!? I thought that I lost it to somewhere."  It meant I had forgotten about that I gave it for her. I saw upsetting face of her.
I thought that she is probably accumulating some compliant to me since long time ago?
Not a good thing about me is I choose my friends by their age. My wrong understanding about age is I am thinking older people have more experiences than younger people so I prefer to get together with older people than me.
However sometimes it is wrong.
I feel I am silly.
Sometimes I have to look back my life since I was young or kid.
I should start to accept myself and try to like myself.

The other day I wrote a message to my friend that I don't like my mother's part.
I really think that I should not have children because I am a person who live my own. But God gave me three kids, THREE!
They were my big mistake but if God has done everything on purpose or if everything happen on our life have meaning, it means I have to fix them myself and they are my tasks by I go to heaven. That is a BIG job!

It seems take a long long time to fix them. However I have to enjoy my life with them. They are always my heavy burden.
Lily said, "Give your burden to God, he will take it." Really? I want to cry...because my burden is too big.
Most of topics of this blog is filled by these kind of topics.
I want to get away from here one day but I have not found the way of get out yet.

English

I forgot when was it but I completely stopped to "study" English.
Because recently I have no trouble with English at my daily life even on the phone.
Most of time people understand me so I have been lazy to improve my English.
However all people around me say that my English is funny, it is like "Japanglish".
I know my way of say something is strange.

I think English is an one of the difficult languages to learn because it has a lot of exceptions or sometimes does not have particular rules.
And (how can I say..?) it is very difficult to get them for an old person like me.
If I were teenager or 20s, I could learn faster. (I cannot make excuse?!)
It takes time for me.
From my experience, getting English faster is talk with people.
So although I didn't know proper English grammar, I could feel strangeness of speaking. It is as same thing as that babies are able to recognize the strange feeling of foreigners speaking if they learned  their language from their mothers. I am like a three years kid now then I can feel the strangeness a little bit at last.

The best thing to improve English is read books, I know but I don't like reading much. NO, I like reading if I could find very interesting stories but I have not found them yet. Some people recommend me some good stories but I still have not found any.
What kind of books I like is for example life experience stories (non fiction) or essay of someone's life, something like that. I don't like fiction much.
Because I would like to share similar feelings with others so they should not be unreal.
However it is quite difficult to find these kind of stories because most of others experiences would not satisfy me. I want to read really fantastic wonderful stories that would not make me sleepy.