Well, how long hadn't I written this blog!
It was a long time ago even I last read it and I realized how my writing hasn't improve from the beginning. I know I have no chance to write anything in English in my daily life so what I expect..?
Sometimes, before go to bed, I think about my daughters and I still feel guilty, especially with my oldest daughter.
I the other day thought that I was going to write an apologies letter to her, I thought I have to do it. I should done it for a long time ago but I just kept missing the chance to do it.. it is just my excuse.
She seems that she has the trouble all the time, even she knows what the cause exactly and also she knows that she should move on from there but she still cannot and she says that is my fault. Truly it is.
However am I a right person to help her?-I know I am.
But how? that's the problem. I can't open her mind.
I think we are both struggling but I should not wait a day to come that will be fixed everything. No, it won't come automatically.
I have to take an action because I am the cause of the tragedy and I am feeling guilty. The feeling never gone away unless I do something that can break the ice.
But how...
The night that I felt about writing the letter, I also felt good. It's like a feeling that my pray from the deep side of my heart appeared and reach to her heart beyond the sea, through the air. I wish it worked.
Some people say the pray works. I am not sure, just think about someone, the power reach to someone's heart? If it is true I would pray lot more but the pray has to be very very serious.
I now have long distance from them and when I cannot see them often, I could not know what's going on with them, especially because we don't talk much like other families who live different places in the world.
If I am not feeling guilty, I would call them more often and I can talk anything but I am terribly awkward and a weak mother.
I also hesitate to been happy because when I am happier I feel more guilty, I mean I should not been happy with leave someone behind.
Anyway, I have been thinking that nothing change if I don't take any action.
But when? and how? should I break the ice.. and if I made mistake...
I have to be a strong mother and love my daughters strongly, never give up, never leave them mentally behind even we have the distance.
It is a very difficult problem for me, probably I have to do something like mental change.
