I changed a lot

Recently I feel that my thought changed very much for compare to when I was in Japan. 
I have no idea how had I been loosing such a natural feeling as a human being.
When I try to remember, since I was 16 or 17, no one showed normal example as an adult, because I missed my father and my mother was not at home ether.
My parents had not good relationship since I was small child.
To me, they had hated each other and our family was not happy always.
Then they finally divorced when I was 16.
Before then, after then, they had never showed real family life for kids with full of love.

I think that I am basically selfish because no one scolded me.
And I had had my own ideal family life in my mind since I was young that was really girlish thing like a dream.
It was "When I get marry with some one, I will have a boy and a girl, then we will be a completely happy family and nobody can break it!"
However my dream was broken several times. 

The life in Japan made me stupid. I had a lot of wrong information day after day, I was not wise and made many mistakes.
I realised about it just recent and was embarrassed myself very much.
So I do not get back to Japan, but if I have to, I want to erase everything that I had done there. I can say that I was CRAZY.
I hope it is not too late that I realised about it.

However I have not any confidence to fix my self image for people in Japan.
They are difficult people, not simple at all.
Because, in Japan, there are too many people, too much information, and there are no way to choose right information by themselves.
Probably just I cannot? perhaps clever people CAN make good decision all most all the time...but not me.
And words are also complicated. I always say something wrong in Japanese.
I am sure I am a person who is better to live in overseas.
Japan is TOO complicated country and not a place to live for me.

I have been in New Zealand now for three and half years and I am very comfortable here. The life is simple, nature is fantastic, small population and people are not mean.
I wrote it before. In Japan sometimes people have to be nasty otherwise we cannot be a winner of WAR of life. I think in Japan, the life is like war.
I was very tired about it, and I want to say no thank you.

But, soon I have to back to Japan and have to talk about my future with my family. I am sure they could never understand my thought because they have never lived in overseas, and they would say everything with their own sense of various. I have totally no idea. We would be upset each other.

I want all my family to be happy even though they like keep living in Japan. That is OK. That is their choice.
But I am not sure they could accept me or not. I want to quit "Mother" and want to be a human being.
I am thinking since I was 30s' that people who cannot be happy, cannot make others happy. However with Japanese culture, if somebody are unhappy in the family, everybody should not be happy, otherwise we feel guilty.
Japan is such country, I feel. I really want to escape from there.
I am very selfish or unusual person.

Why I say so, recently my daughters and their husbands made me unhappy by their bad words. But I understand it because they had terrible disaster in March (earthquake and a lot of outbreak to the economy), so they are down now.
And I am only happy person in our family because I live in peaceful country like a paradise. So I feel jealousy from them. (I am a lucky person.)
I have no idea that how do I influence my luck for them. I really hope I can do it when I go to Japan. But how.....