It is like my life

I had been knitting a scurf for my daughter's birthday since about two weeks ago.
It had almost done last night, but I had not been happy about the shape.
However I could not stop to knit it because it was quite a big project for a beginner.
On the other hand, I was also looking forward to complete it.
because I could not see the whole shape until I would finished the cast off.
My husband said "Funny looking" and I thought same thing too.
But I said "It will be like this." with showed him the piece of cast off part.

I was thinking for a while, then suddenly decided to unfold it!
After that I became to cannot sleep, because the unfolding was as same as difficult with knit it.
I finally gave it up and went to sleep.

Last night we argued a bit about our future, and I realized that it was one of the stresses for me so far.
This morning, I thought "Unfolded complicated knitting" was like my present life.
Now we are planning a change, no, not "we" , he is planning it.
He is the main income person(?) for two of us, so his decision would be quite influent to our life. 
So he does not consider about my situation much.
However although English was not my first language, I finally got present part time job, and many friends from the group that I have joined, in this small town.
It means I feel that I have built a stable life compare to when I was in the big city before with poor English. I feel that I have done quite well here.
If we moved to next place, I would be miss everything, I feel.

But he says that I can gain lowest wedge, so my quitting would not be a big problem.
I might be getting old and do not like a change any more.
I might have to work out harder later.
Now I have lived very comfortably in this small town, so I have totally no idea what can I do at different place.
I was not like this before, and I feel I missed my enthusiasm. It is not good.

Glass Cat

As same as last week, it is terrible rain today and it is going to be storm this weekend too.
We were short of water last year, but I think it is probably enough so far.

This morning I went to the coffee meeting that was held by WINGS (Women's International Newcomer Groups).
And I met a lady there. She was sitting next me and was wearing cute cat glass pierces. I said to her "I love them." so she replied and said  "I made them." 

I immediately wanted to get them, because my daughter is a cat person and her birthday will come soon, so I thought they must be good present for her.

After the meeting, I went to the shop that the lady taught me before she left.
The shop was nice. There were many art stuffs in there.
I asked her amazingly "Did you make all of them?" So she said "No, we have (I forgot the number) many artists here."
And she showed me the workshop behind the shop.

There were many equipments there. Some artists do curving, some do glass art, some do knitting, some do sewing, and others do painting, and more.
And they sell their art things.
I was so interested in them and asked her for me to join them.
She said "Yes" with friendly smile and I was quite exciting.

Fortunately a glass cat pendant top was left, so I bought it.
I was worried about the price but it was not too expensive ($15).
I went back home and tried to wear it in front of the mirror, then out it in a small box.
I hope my daughter will like it.

Now

Now, I do not have anything that I want to do and buy, and anywhere I want to go.

I am happy to stay home.
I like this flat that I can see the nice view, the sky is clean and blue, birds are twitting, there are a lot of trees and green grasses, the weather is warm, the air is fresh, I have enough food and enough clothes, I do not feel lonely. 
What a perfect life....

So, now, I can think about others.
Until recent I had always been thinking about "Take" from something from somebody. I was always looking for the "Benefit".
I now started think about "Give".

The worst period was my age of 31 to 50.
When I think about "Give", how had I forgotten "Give Love" to my children!?
What made myself mad?
What I had been looking for?
I did not find anything eventually.

I was looking for someone who always be with me for avoiding a fear, money for avoiding fear to live and the future, an archiving for having confidence to myself, however I had forgotten about my kids. 
I am so disappointed with myself, but what I was able to do in those days as I was silly.

I now realized about "Give"  I can do it NOW, but not before.
My oldest daughter says that it is too late, and it is very difficult to get the feeling back, because mum is already not here.
When I think about her when she was kid (age ten), it is almost impossible to feel the same fear that she had with her in the meantime.

Ten years old girl had totally no idea that how to demand her needs to her father.
It sounds awful! I could never feel it before, but now I can feel. Then I regret it heaps. 
However I can not go back to that day, so now I am going to fill it up with all my best.
I am still looking for the way to do it, and I need to be considerable person, because she is , her heart is like a fragile china..
But if I were too consider, it would be worse, so it is very difficult for me.

I am usually very easy going and she is serious.
It will take for an ages, but I need to be careful at least I should not make anything worse.

When I think about my oldest, I be always negative! But I need to lead her as her mother, now.

February is just on the next corner

We had terrible storm last three days, and finally the sun came back this afternoon.
I did a lot of clothes wash today.

Tonight our, Whangarei Harmony Chorus, rehearsal will be start again and our next stage is 25th of February. For me, it takes two or three months to remember all songs ( about ten songs) for a stage, so I have completely no idea how can I remember the new songs for the next concert!  

Also another rehearsal for the musical that I passed the audition the other day will start from 13th of February, and it will be run three times a week!
I feel I am a real singer...
I love singing so I am glad about that I could have such opportunities to express myself. 

However I have a problem that we are going to move to our boat from this flat.
We are not sure, but my partner recently made a whole plan on the computer.
First, we have to collect some cardboard boxes, pack everything in them except things that we need for the minimum of daily life.
Next, move the boat to somewhere from the mourine (I cannot find this word.. it means a place that park a boat on a concrete brick, bit far from the beach).

Our boat is a small one, and does not have a shower and any electricities.
And we are going to go to our friends wedding and traveling from the boat!
It sounds very inconvenient for me.
But it will be a bit fun too.. I like those unusual experiences sometimes.
Because I will learn many way of make life convenient from the inconvenient situations, I hope.
However I feel tired physically and mentally, too. I think it is from my age, to be honest I do not want to change , but we have to.

So, up to the end of this month is my most relax time (in my life).
I had the most luxury time in my life in whole 2010 and I should be recharged enough energy, I hope.

In 2011 we will have a big change that moving to another place.
It is quite sad for me because I like this small town and people.

I thought I am now very  bored from this six weeks holiday.
I have thought it is TOO long for me.
Why I could not find something faster that I could avoid this boring?
It is too late to find them now. 
I mean, I wanted to find some bigger projects rather than small daily things.

During this holiday, I have visited some people, I have made dolls clothes, I have done knitting, and have done some more small things.
On the other hand, I was not well since after Christmas to recent.
So I had not tried any big thing. But once I got better, I started to think about big things even though I have known it takes long time to complete big things.

I think I am a very childish person. Recently it is getting worse...
The reason is probably my darling has spoiled me a lot.
Up to one year ago, I had to work for living myself or family, but after that my darling keep saying "You do not have to work hard, I can look after you."

However I have many things that I want to do, and it is difficult to stay home, I also need some my own money to doing something myself.
So I am always thinking to get a better job. I am now working 15 hours in a week and the wage is low because I am an unskilled.
If possible I would like to help our income but I do not have any particular skill, especially in English. ( I hate that I have still felt it)
All my unsatisfactoriness come from my laziness, I think.
If I want to improve my English skill to get a better position, I could be more avaricious (greedy?). But rather than that I have stayed in front of computer whole day long. I hate it.

I need write more?

It is a rainy day today.
I have stayed in front of my computer since I got up, and am reading Japanese blogs. It is not good at all.
I am now on my long summer holiday that is six weeks, during this holiday I wanted to try to snorkeling and I was waiting for the snorkeling goods that should be presented by my darling on my birthday. However he looks he is short of money.
Never mind, I can buy it myself.
But I do not want to go snorkeling myself. The ocean scared me.
I might can go to the beach and play around at shallow place.

I have another two weeks from now.
I normally go to the craft and knitting group on Tuesday and visit my English tutor on Wednesday, these are all my schedule so far. 
On Friday, I can attend a coffee chatting group in a cafe.

But from February I will be very busy.
My work will be start, the musical rehearsal will be start, singing rehearsal as well, moreover I might have to help fixing our boat, and our moving to the boat.
I cannot imagine how busy I will be.

My little dream so far is having our small own house. Even though it is very small, it is OK, even container house is fine. We can extend it later.
To be honest I do not like our boat very much because it is like a racing type boat, not like a house boat, so it is difficult to live in and messy.
It looks like hard work to clean it up and I will be struggle to work with.
So it is the best relaxing time for me now.

Today, I am going to go to the library later and am going to get some interesting books. I am a very slow reader in English, so I have to find VERY interesting books.
Ah.. I really feel I am waisting time right now. Rain makes me lazy.

11-1-'11

It is first of January in 2011=11-1-'11 Vicky mentioned to me, so I thought I have to do something special! However I have no idea.
I am getting calm today from awful yesterday. I could not sleep until 4 o;clock in  this morning.
If some good things happen, some bad things also happen at another side.
I was quite happy day before yesterday because I finally got a message from my oldest daughter. It was a simple message, but it was enough to made me happy.

I lost two weeks job, but instead I got another three weeks holiday.
I am going to help Migrant Center or WINGS during this summer holiday.
It might be better to help Blomfield  school however I am not good at Vanessa. (I do not know how can I explain with these feeling in English)
Because when I first worked with her in room 5, I just started work in Whangarei, and I was not good at English, moreover I did not know about names of equipments. I guessed she thought "This person, cannot speak English."
I felt she made me fool.

It is very difficult to get an understanding from people about myself. It takes long time to be together. Because I do not know variety of expressions with English talking. People never use same expression about explain similar things. It depends on people. They are not like talking in the text books at all.

(I hate that I have written these kind of topic on this special day!)
Oh! I just found a person corrected my entry for yesterday. I want to have a look, and also I wold like to go craft group soon. I am going to stop to write now.

It was not a happy day

I had prepared for TODAY! because I thought I had to get up earlier than usual for the Holiday Program.
I also missed two weeks pay.

This morning, when I got base school, Vanessa made confused face ans asked to me "Are you going to be a volunteer?" because my name was not on the staff list. I said No and waited Tangi's coming.
Vanessa tried to find out why my name was not on the list, but she was busy in the morning.
I worked for students, took a morning tea break, then worked again, took a lunch break, and worked again.
Finally, Vanessa said at 1 o'clock, I have not been payed. 
She said "If you want, you can stay the rest of day." I decided to stay.

It was not a good day at all, I was punched by a student, and I had to clean the mess that a boy had made! (However they are all lovely, so that is good.)

At 2:30, Tangi said to me " You are off, you can go home." I said "It was shame, but I won't come tomorrow..." She said so too.

I was not a good mood, so I went to a material shop and looked around some wools and materials. Eventually I bought some material for a doll clothes.
After I got home I did a knitting by I had bought before.
Then I got feel a bit better.
However I was thinking I could get extra money for two weeks. I was so disappointed about it.

It is going to be the last weekend of my holiday

Finally, it is the last Friday of my holiday today.
It was really similar to a Japanese New Year holiday.
I had a lot of food and now my stomach is very tired. I do not want to even see any chocolate so far.
This is from not only eating too much rich food. I have had unhappy stomach since year before last year, but I have not been to the doctor.
No, I actually went to the doctor however he was unreliable, said "You look very healthy" and had not done any examination for me.
I was disappointed about it, and I have never seen him after that.
I need to find another doctor, but I have no idea how to find good one.
Oh, I have joined WINGS (Women's International Newcomers Group) I can ask them!

I am working next two weeks  9am. to 3pm. so I have not much time.
I feel scare and look forwarding both.
Because the other day, when I visited my co-worker, Mandy, she said "At the holiday program, you go everywhere with students. Cinema, Tramping, Shopping, Restaurants and Swimming as well!" She knows I hate swimming.
"So you will be fit!"
I have not done ANY exercise on this holiday, so I am scared to do some sports. 
But I am also looking forward to see the students and the co-workers again.

2011

It is already third of January. I have not done anything last two days, because I am not well. My tongue is still strange and recently my stomach is also unhappy. 
However I am a bit well now from good sleep last night.

I have felt homesick, because Japanese new year is very similar to European Christmas. I have not done any event from my culture for a quite long time. 
Now I have remembered about my childhood. Japan changed a lot since I was a kid, but we still keep going some of our New Year events that "Oh-souji"(clean the house property by the end of the year) " Osechi" (Japanese traditional New Year food) or New Year decoration around house.

And I missed "Rice cake" very much. It is called "Rice cake" but it is not sweets. 
I love it! We do not eat it usually, we eat it particularly new year. 
I am looking for the ingredients here but have not found them yet.
The rice cake is made from a kind of rices.

By the way, I have to read more books this year, because my English writing skill does not improve at all since I stopped to visit my tutor. 
Recently, when I had organized my stuff, I found a heaps of papers that were for English grammar study from my previous tutors.
And I realized they had never worked.
Because, for me, they were as same as Japanese grammar to Japanese students who already can understand basic or foundation of Japanese. 
Japanese grammar teachers teach Japanese grammar means the students can built up their  grammar skills.
However I did not have foundation of English language.

It is not from text books at all. I mean babies learn their language from their parents, family or people around them.
So I might can write an essay for a difficult topic (even though I make many grammars mistakes), I can not say very easy things, for example "Put it away" or "Can you take that for me?" Because English text books for adults never tell us such easy things for using dairy conversation often.  

I might talk with people more than read books. I have known it since long time ago but I still can not get many opportunities for the talking.
Somebody say, learn new language skill is depends on good ears.
I am listening the radio often, but it is difficult to pick sentences from there.
It means I have not good ears!?
Anyway my learning takes ages and ages. I will study this year too.