Now

Now, I do not have anything that I want to do and buy, and anywhere I want to go.

I am happy to stay home.
I like this flat that I can see the nice view, the sky is clean and blue, birds are twitting, there are a lot of trees and green grasses, the weather is warm, the air is fresh, I have enough food and enough clothes, I do not feel lonely. 
What a perfect life....

So, now, I can think about others.
Until recent I had always been thinking about "Take" from something from somebody. I was always looking for the "Benefit".
I now started think about "Give".

The worst period was my age of 31 to 50.
When I think about "Give", how had I forgotten "Give Love" to my children!?
What made myself mad?
What I had been looking for?
I did not find anything eventually.

I was looking for someone who always be with me for avoiding a fear, money for avoiding fear to live and the future, an archiving for having confidence to myself, however I had forgotten about my kids. 
I am so disappointed with myself, but what I was able to do in those days as I was silly.

I now realized about "Give"  I can do it NOW, but not before.
My oldest daughter says that it is too late, and it is very difficult to get the feeling back, because mum is already not here.
When I think about her when she was kid (age ten), it is almost impossible to feel the same fear that she had with her in the meantime.

Ten years old girl had totally no idea that how to demand her needs to her father.
It sounds awful! I could never feel it before, but now I can feel. Then I regret it heaps. 
However I can not go back to that day, so now I am going to fill it up with all my best.
I am still looking for the way to do it, and I need to be considerable person, because she is , her heart is like a fragile china..
But if I were too consider, it would be worse, so it is very difficult for me.

I am usually very easy going and she is serious.
It will take for an ages, but I need to be careful at least I should not make anything worse.

When I think about my oldest, I be always negative! But I need to lead her as her mother, now.