2016.10.21

Well, how long hadn't I written this blog!
It was a long time ago even I last read it and I realized how my writing hasn't improve from the beginning. I know I have no chance to write anything in English in my daily life so what I expect..?

Sometimes, before go to bed, I think about my daughters and I still feel guilty, especially with my oldest daughter.
I the other day thought that I was going to write an apologies letter to her, I thought I have to do it. I should done it for a long time ago but I just kept missing the chance to do it.. it is just my excuse. 
She seems that she has the trouble all the time, even she knows what the cause exactly and also she knows that she should move on from there but she still cannot and she says that is my fault. Truly it is.
However am I a right person to help her?-I know I am.
But how? that's the problem. I can't open her mind.
I think we are both struggling but I should not wait a day to come that will be fixed everything. No, it won't come automatically.
I have to take an action because I am the cause of the tragedy and I am feeling guilty. The feeling never gone away unless I do something that can break the ice.
But how...

The night that I felt about writing the letter, I also felt good. It's like a feeling that my pray from the deep side of my heart appeared and reach to her heart beyond the sea, through the air.  I wish it worked.
Some people say the pray works. I am not sure, just think about someone, the power reach to someone's heart? If it is true I would pray lot more but the pray has to be very very serious.

I now have long distance from them and when I cannot see them often, I could not know what's going on with them, especially because we don't talk much like other families who live different places in the world.
If I am not feeling guilty, I would call them more often and I can talk anything but I am terribly awkward and a weak mother.
I also hesitate to been happy because when I am happier I feel more guilty, I mean I should not been happy with leave someone behind.

Anyway, I have been thinking that nothing change if I don't take any action.
But when? and how? should I break the ice.. and if I made mistake...
I have to be a strong mother and love my daughters strongly, never give up, never leave them mentally behind even we have the distance.
It is a very difficult problem for me, probably I have to do something like mental change.

It has been a long time after I stopped to write this blog.
But now a little hope comes up to me that is a possibility to go back to the country which I loved a lot.

Recently my (or our) life is so complicated. Since we left New Zealand we have been running around everywhere with a suitcase.
Then I had to lose many my precious things which I loved because of able to move flexibly.

I had to give up playing instrumentals, sewing, drawing, reading, singing, chatting with my friends, etc. Or my networks and some part-time jobs, although I had not made much money. Or even some volunteer networks.
Lucky thing however is that I met a couple of great new friends via the Internet.
One of them also gave me an opportunity to work at a new field.
I am not sure I could keep continue the translation work that was introduced by her but I just love it. It's fun to let my brain wake up because for a long time it had (still have)been sleeping form no using.

I don't want to let my brain get rust. (It's probably started already though)
And my physical ability. That is really bad.
If I could alive another twenty years I have to brush them up.

I have no idea where to go and what to do. Just feel I had done everything I wanted to by now.
It is silly that I have been feeling so since I left New Zealand that was three and half years ago. But now I cannot even remember what I wanted to do in NZ.(It's not true. I can remember)

Everything seems useless to me now and all my energy is gone away. I feel the end is closer. How can I find the reason to alive for the rest of my life?
I am tired and every scenery is faded. No fun in this world...
 

I just read my latest post and recognized that my writing has not improved at all.
After I left Canberra I stopped to study English but I had had a little ambitious with me till recent as I had TOEIC test.
However very recent I lost all my passion for everything again as same as last summer.
I think one of the causes is the stress of this unstable life situation.
We mostly found out our next stage clearly but what will happen after the next?
I envy others who have their own places, houses, gardens and stable life that we could not expect so far.
Another stress is the not enough chatting with my husband.
He is the kind of person who does not express much ones thought to others.
So it is difficult to see what he is thinking for and it takes ages to bring it out from him.
And most of the time it happens when he really upsets, he finally starts to say loud.
I am a very socialized person and could never patient for so long.
So I am always struggle with my irritation.
It effects not only my mental rather affects my body.
How can I live with that? I would not alive longer.

Guess, I need to find out how to enjoy my life every day.
I need to thank any small happiness for every moment.

It is going to be the time to ready dinner for my husband.
I will write some more later.
    

Home sick

I am sad, very sad because I left my home country.
My home country? I really feel it is not Japan.
My mind feel free when I am in New Zealand.
Australia was not too bad but I think my home country is New Zealand.
It was so fit and suit to me.

Always I feel that I come home when air plains touch down at Auckland airport.
When can I go home next? I want to go even myself sometimes soon.
I like Aya, Kayo's family, Mandy1 and other my friends in Whangarei.
They live like natural. I missed them a lot.

People in Canberra looked a bit busier but not as like as Japanese at all.
Japan.....I hate that even to write the word "Japan"....is insane.
People are running around, don't care with others and always talking about useless topics.
Their life is not like human beings.
I like New Zealand.
I like live in the nature.
I missed it heaps.
I am very sad.

I don't know that what I am tired of. I just don't like urban.

Here, when I go out, everything pushes me much stronger than the strength of my mind and I feel that it is going to be break.
The atmosphere here squeeze me in a dark hole.
OK, I will go out today to do something that I have to be done.

  

Two questions

I have two questions about my life.
One is my relationship with my daughters and the another one is my education in my future.

Yesterday I found an article on the Internet that tells about relationship between mother and daughter. I have not read them all yet but it looks very interesting.
So I am going to read it (it is only a few pages) and if possible I want to read whole her (the author) book.
If I read through, I might be able to find a tip of hints to have better relationship with my daughters.
And also I would like them to read the Japanese version if they could have one.

Next question is, why is it common sense that over fifties people especially women don't need more education?
Most of people in Japan have got these thought and my darling too.
It is terrible. They are going to take my learning opportunity out from me. So I love New Zealand much much better than Japan.
Japan has really strange common senses a lot! I hate them and I moved to overseas.
( This is totally complaint) In Japan, I guess more than 95% of people are thinking over forties women should stay home and do anything.
I found in overseas, all women enjoy their job and except the the period that they are bringing children, they want to have a job whole their life till the retirement.
However these women need higher education equivalent to men but in Japan, according to funny common sense, women don't need higher education than men.
Recently the idea has been changed but still most women don't have enough education that they are able to keep their carrier till their retirement.
And people with lower education can not really enjoy their job.
For example, who really enjoy the cleaning or wash dishes? no one...
They are not creative job at all however some one must do these job in this world, terrible isn't it?
So I don't like housekeeping to others. To myself or my family are OK however it is still no paid work and not many people respect it.

Hmm.. I was probably better to born as a boy. No, no. Women should have same  rights with men. Although recently we are almost equal, not quite equal yet particularly in the developing countries.  

(I have just stopped to write now because my brain does not work very well as I should think about a lot of things at this moment.)

I feel I am stupid

We are middle fifty's and most of people of our age have their stable life.
But we are still floating like a driftwood on the shore or in a river.
And we could never find our place to end up.
Since I was a kid, I have been moving a lot and always hoped to stay in a same place like others.
Live in my nice own house, have my own garden even it is small, spend a comfortable dairy life and daughters and grandkids visit me...something like that.

However no our kids visit us and we are still keep moving.
We don't have our own house (it does not have to be a house, own place is fine).
I think we are not adults yet, still our mind are like kids and we don't know how to settle in a calm and peaceful life, why??
Call us unorganized people.
We have not had our own life plan even though my darling wants to earn more money.
My minimum hope is live in a happiness, eat nice food, been healthy, sometimes traveling around and have a lot of laugh with my family.

I think we are both awkward about family relationship.
That is why we live in overseas otherwise we were in our home countries.
So it is probably our destiny...hmm...not good.

I don't know this is a good thing or not but today I was a bit embarrassed when my Canberra friend cut our phone call.
Of course, she is not a perfect person but she is together with her partner since she was 18 and she has lived here since then as well.
I have known a lot of people like her. Do we call those person "Adults"?
And we are "Stupid kids" if we are keep moving.
I don't want think so...

Not many people can moving around everywhere.
And both kinds of people hope they are right.
Anyway, I was embarrassed myself a bit today.
It may because of my own personality, I mean it is my fault.
People around me might discover that I am TOO positive.
Too positive sometimes means inconsiderable.

However although I made my life plan, it is always broken somehow.
    
 

It has been very frustrating

My darling's company is not going very well and I hate his business partner, sorry.
I wanted my darling to have a base job since he started his own business.
Because they don't have enough money stock when they have financial troubles so they always have possibilities to been limbos.

The other day my darling found a job in New Zealand but we were not really happy about it.
We have got two different reasons individually.
His issue is break the relationship with his business partner if he was gone.
My issue is that I would like him to keep staying Australia longer and save more money before we go back to New Zealand for our retirement.
So it is too early to go back.

However we were happy enough about him to got a better job there.

The day after that he had two more phone calls for interviews.
(I was so embarrassed to told our moving to ALL my chorus members!)
And Zela was also upset to my email that I told the her our quite changeable situation.
We are very frustrating at this moment.
My darling has got four opportunities that moving to NZ, moving to Japan, keep staying in Canberra and keep going his own business.
It depends on each situation, I need think about what I could do.
Moving to New Zealand is actually the best opportunity for ME.
I could study in a course, could find a job, could join in a nice chorus and be peaceful life again.

However I like changing.
Although I hated Japanese culture and people, I could be patient to stay in Japan for one or two years. ( But I am really afraid of losing my English skills.)
Staying Canberra is tough but it will be good experience for me to handle all kinds of tough situation in the future.  

It has been VERY frustrating week!! till we know where we go.