My Daughters

Sometimes my daughters make me anxious, and each time I think "Why did I come to New Zealand? Should I stay here? Am I selfish?"

I am a person who is always challenging to new things. (I am not really happy about this expression, I mean not the real meaning, sentence. I am sure I should find better sentence! )

Even though I was able to afford to my previous marriage life (time and money both), I was still doing something that weren't for my children.

(I think this sentence also does not make scenes )  

I am easy to forget my mother's work. Since I became mother, my thought is "Look at my attitude as a human being, then follow my example." However this thought should not be mother's.

In my mind, my ideal mother is ; wakes up in early morning, makes breakfast and lunch boxes for the children, then does some housekeeping, if the husband cannot afford to support his family, does to part-time work in day time, and gets home a bit earlier than children, makes dinner and talk everything with children. When they are in troubles, gives them wisdom, etc, etc.

But I am not like that at all.

I have not taught right ways to my daughters directly.

I have always been in my own troubles and seeking a right way to the next step.

I am not perfect at all.

( I think I am negative today. Because I got a mail from my youngest daughter and she has been missing me a lot, but I cannot help her. It is sad.)   

Today, when I read her mail, I thought she needs more supports, and I left her too early. I did not realise that. I am not a good mother.

When I think about my daughters, I always, always! feel guilty. I do not know how can I coop with my children because my mother never taught it to me.

However when I am thinking about myself, I also wanted to more supports from my mother. I just felt I found an answer!

Until I can forgive my mother, all my daughters also do not forgive me.

I have to start to concern something new. I want to find what is it? ; my mother's bond and relationship problems.