Miss Saigon

Today I got a part of a chorus for the musical "Miss Saigon" which I had the audition the other day. I am so glad!!
I am going to say Thanks to Zela tomorrow.

I have great times every 12 years so far, and it is going to be year after next year, but if I think about it "Kazoe-dosi" it is going to be next year.
It is like a rail for a roller coaster, and now I am on the nearly top.
After that my life will be on a down hill again, LOL.
It is OK because I already had enough happiness in my life.

Yes, from now, I might have to give thanks back to people who gave me a lot of great gifts to my life. I will write a Christmas card to my father first.
Unfortunately my mum past away by an out of blue.
However she had a bit like a dementia.. poor mum. So it was good time to go to the heaven and see her family again. I hope she is happy there.

I still have not found what my life for. But I found a tip of it, and it might be "GIVE THANKS to others"
Till now (up to now?) I am always "TAKING" from people. I now have my "AFFORD" (not money, time afford) to my life, so I can work for people.
What I can do?
I got a part in the musical, or sing in the WHC, I can give a joy to people. (I hate my English! I cannot explain very well)
I mean they are probably one of my role in my life. (Ooh! it is a surprise! I did not think about it before.)

I hope if I can enjoy my life, people around me also enjoy their life.
That is all I can do so far. Mayumi in big SMILE.

About the Future

Yesterday my darling got a letter for the citizenship and it takes another three to six months to confirm. However it was a very good news.
He says that he still loves Wellington but I really prefer Whangarei.
It is no way. It is not any better job for him here, so we have to move whatever.

He is going to give the notice about his leaving neat year and it should be given before two months, so his quitting will be fastest March.
I am going to continue my work till the end of March.
It is just my plan that I talked with Aya last night ; Then we will move to the boat and travel to Japan and The US.
After coming back, I have no idea yet. It depends to how my darling find job in the mean time. We need to have more conversation about where we move next.

I had believed that Australia is absolutely BETTER place because Mark kept saying so. But thought about the weather, welfare, every other things, who can tell it is the better place? I like New Zealand. But Aus is just good for make money, however if we live there for ten years or more, we have to consider about more.

It is time to go now. I will talk about it with my darling for taking time.

With My Darling

I was thinking he was grumpy to ME, but today I thought he has got another cause too, so I had a bit sense of security.
He says that people here are stupid, intellectual level is low. He said that he talked about boy racers. I said that boy racers everywhere.
I guess he is very unhappy about his current job.
He also keeps saying that he does not like here, even he hates here.
But I like here much better than Wellington.
However if he really want to back to Wgtn, that is OK. I just follow him.
But as he says Porirua region would be fine, not Lower Hutt, not New Town.

Because I was so bad, always complained to everything ; he, work, coldness... 
I love Wellington itself, it is a compact city, I particularly loved water front.
But to me, Wgtn is just a temporary place, and tough enough. 
He says Wgn is smarter than here, I agree. But people are not friendly.

Just earlier, I read a comment to my twitter from my new mixi friend who lives in Sweden. She said that in there, winter time, the sunrise is after 9 o'clock and sunset is 3pm!! She said it is tough. If I were her I would be depress... 
I also read some comments in a community that named "Teisyu Genki de Rusu ga II"
Most wives in the community have got some complain to their husbands, but some wives also think Thanks to their husbands. Today Zela said "Marriage is give and take"  
Zela lost her husband in 1991 by his cancer and after two years she felt loneliness, but after that she found "Comfortableness" that she had been own.   
I think women have two types, one is like Liz in Wings ; can not do anything herself, and another one is ; does not care, can do anything herself.

I sometimes like be belonged, but mostly time like having my space.
Living my own is tough. Live someone else is much easier.
But as Zela said "Give and Take" and we have to be patient to something.
And I should know feel thanks more than complain makes my life better.
(I am tired today too, so I have not cared about any grammar mistake)

I need to be SMILE as possible as I can. So everything will be fine.
But I am a stubborn person, so once I lost my smile, it takes long time to take it back! same as singing. How long I have not sang any Japanese song?!
I hate "Sing for him" "Keep my hair long for him"
If I WANT, I will do, if I don't want, I won't do. How I am a stubborn!
Maybe from my age....

I Cannot Sleep Tonight

I do not know why, I do not want to go to bed tonight.
I know, I will be tired tomorrow and I am sure I will be disappointed to myself tomorrow too, but I do not want to go to sleep, just tonight.
(I am going to make another cup of tea for me now)
Oh, no! I have not finished my tea yet. It had gone cold.

Recently I am happier than before a little bit, because sometimes my oldest daughter is looking my mixi diary even though she still has blocked my contact to her mixi diary. That is fine!
And I am particularly happy today as I found a nice material for my Christmas tapestries which are for my three daughters. 
The material, color is snow white and it is exactly much for another colors.

I think, my life travel has never stopped.  I want to stop it, I mean I want to be stable, no more roller coaster, no more up and down.
But probably if my life is flat, it would not be fun at all.
However, no more coaster, just graduate sliding is enough.
I could suspect, still more interesting things will be happen later in my life, and I hate them now. A peaceful life is perfect. (maybe it is a lie..)

I just realized that I would like to be normal, just like an ordinary person.
Yes, I remembered, the other day Zela said that I am an interesting person and I thought so too, but I hate it.. 
I want to be a very ordinary wife and mother, nothing should not happen in my life for ever.....(What a boring life! but now I like it.)

Today I thought my darling is boring. He says that I am funny, but I am not be funny on purpose. I always try to be an ordinary person but I can't. 
For example, an ordinary person does not wake up till such midnight.(Really?!)
What is an ordinary person look like?
I might be a very ordinary person.
And who and how to make our life more colorful?

When I think about my darling, I would like to put more colors on his faded screen, or it might be too much care, I mean he does not need it. 
He says that I am a sail and the boat cannot go without sail.
But I do not think I am a sail. If he is the boat, I am... now I am an anchor. Oh, too bad! I keep him stuck. And he also stops me at same place, but I sometimes like it. Oh, how can we move to next place?
The cause is I do not want a change. I like here, I like people here, the environment here and I do not want to change anything.
I am building my new life here slowly but he does not like here.
So we are like magnet. I think later we will be go to a bad situation again.

How to prevent it this time?
Am I strong enough? Is he strong enough? Can we go beyond a big wave?
I always have some troubles and they are coming day after day.
Now, it is really time to ready go next. I have to have my firm thought in my core of my mind. And I might have it, but not sure how to express it.
I want to have a strong opinion for my life.
"I want to be... I want to be...." if I am thinking so always, they will come to me?

The other day my mixi friend YUI said so to me too.
Yes, I do not stop, just go ahead, no looking back.
I am a....yes! as YUI said big engine. I will pull the boat if we do not have any wind! Therefore I always can not find a right guy. My right guy must not stubborn. I can not sail with stubborn person, I can sail with only flexible person!
And unfortunately I can not change people, so I need to change flexible. 
When I think about myself, I am the most stubborn person!

The Old Days

I need to go to bed because it is 12:40am. now.
I was going to try to sleep but at last I got up again and came in front of the computer. bad, bad...

If I can start over my life, I would be back at age 16.
And I hoped I was much clever when I was in that time.
However life is always difficult to change, and I am just flowed by the current.
(I will write rest of this story later, if I would not forget it)

I cannot remember when I found my interesting to the overseas. 
Let me try to remember... I wanted to go to Australia when I got second married.
Then I started saving extra money from my part time work.
And I was thinking when my saving got 1,000,000yen, I intended to surprise my husband, and took my family to Great barrier leaf. I was 35 or 36, just started my part time job as a health care assistant in a hospital.

When I was a nursing student, I had not thought about go to the overseas.
I was 39. But I was interested in listening English.
I was watching ER and that was my most favorite TV program.
My curiousness to English began at same time of started to do nursing and started to watch ER. I was thinking Emergency room nurse is absolutely COOL!
And the TV program, all ER stories were speedy, sometimes there were love romance, and all roles of the actors and the actresses looked so clever. I wanted to be like them. 

I also cannot remember when I decided to study English. It was not before get inter the nursing school.  Let me think...when I first went to Australia I was still not interested in English. My friend suggested me to bring at least English books, even just a travel English book. I used just a sentence from the book that was  "May I take your picture?" The one sentence covered whole trip of New Caledonia.

In 2003, I went to Melbourne, I did not care about I could not speak any English, but when I talked Steve's father, he was a very nice person and I had no idea what can I say Thanks to him. Since then I have thought can speak English is much advantage to talk range of people in the world.

Finally, I came to New Zealand for learning English.
( I became sleepy. I will write rest of the story later)

An Ordinary Days

"Have a good weekend, see you."
How many times have I said it to my coworkers?
Each week goes very fast, and another week will come soon.
Friday is the most relaxing day and I like Friday evening.
It has been bright until after eight o'clock recently, so the days are felt longer. 

I wonder how do my coworkers spend their time outside of the school. 
The other day I asked Mandy about her hobby.
She has got a pony and she loves it.
She spends her free time with her children and the pony. All her kids like the pony too. I would like to see her pony some day.

Another teacher who is my coworker too, she is renovating their house with her husband. I hope she would invited us to the new home after the renovation finished.

All my coworkers are typical New Zealand people, I think.
Most of them stay at home in weekends, and probably do some gardening.
For example, Mandy, she says she does just housekeeping and relax for the weekends. Sometime she goes out with her kids.

I like stay in nature, for example I love sitting outside, on the grass or on a chair with a cup of tea, and reading a book, or sitting on a beach would be perfect.
Therefore my ordinary days pass fast!
Now I am in happiest days in my life, the nature is fantastic here and I do not have to been busy so far.
 

Life

I just earlier thought I was cutting my nails on purpose because I do not want to see my father any more. 
I still hate him and it has some reasons which I do not want write it down here.
Sometimes I think real father and a daughter do not contact each other is sad.
But for a long time men scared me because of him.
And I did not know men should protect women.
That is why I might protect me myself. 

I also still do not like my name because it was given by him.
Men who called me by my name were only two, one was my father and other was my previous boyfriend;I had never loved him.

I hate the sound of my name. I have always wanted to change my name.
Oh, I just realized be called my name in English sounds not too bad.
I can hear it "mei(may)-you-me" and I like it.

I could not find right men because I did not make any expectation of protection form men, I think. I did not know what was men's role.
I was just lonely so it did not matter that what kind of men they were; unkind, agree, poor, etc.
What was men to me? I had no idea. They were just stay around me.
So my previous marriage did not have any reason, therefore they ought to be broken, boyfriends as well.

What the reason to get marry with especially someone?
Maybe no reason.
I now feel happy when I find my darling at the entrance when he comes back from work and it is a small thing, but it happens every days and important for me. My father was not like that. We did not see him every day.
I also did not see the nice talking with my mum and dad at the evening time.
I guess my mother was very quiet person and I am wondering she might did not have even any friend.
It is sad that I do not know anything about them; mother and father.

My grand parents, mother side, loved each other because they always looked happy when I visited them. Lots of laugh and talking. 
How do I know what was wrong with my mum and dad.
I am pretty sure that my personality made from them since my child age.
And it influenced whole my previous life, then I always choose wrong husbands. 

This is my third marriage with my darling.
So I really need to make sure he is my right person.
However it is almost impossible to find exactly right person and I think a marriage life should be built every day together.
We need understand each other and if we can not make it up, we need discussion each time.
Today I talked with my friend on the phone until late, so it is after 12:30am. I got tired and have to go to bed now.
I cannot finish my diary often.

A Fight

Today we had a fight about toilet.
A way of cleaning the toilet in the boat.
I could not believe that my daring put his hand in the toilet bowl and wash it by a sponge.(Even I could not stand it!)
After that he wash the sponge in the kitchen sink. 
I could understand because that was the only way which he could do in the boat.
(Actually NOT, He could use a bucket instead of the sink.)
Moreover he wiped up around the sink by same sponge.
At last he took an another sponge to wash in and around sink (that was whole kitchen), but he had not washed his hand yet.
I was so upset about that, it was like an end of the world!

He claimed he was right because it is his boat (special!), nobody use the toilet except he and me, and it was "rough clean", so we can co cleaning properly later. "Just rough cleaning" he said strongly.  
I understand his thought that it is his boat and difference from a house.
I asked him that if I wash our house toilet by a sponge and use the sponge to the kitchen, are you happy about that?
He said that house and my boat are different, my boat is like my girlfriend, so I treat her like that.
I did not care how important the boat for him or not.

Then I said, if he will not stop to do it, I will never go for sailing with him! 
To me, any boats are same, and boats are same as houses.
(He sometimes has visitor on his boat, too. It could be worse.)
And, to me, I could never stand his way of cleaning on the boat.
All toilets are toilets, just toilet!  Toilet could never been use for cook. 

And I understood his thought that after rough cleaning, I can do proper cleaning with some special detergent.He said so.
But even though the sponge which was used to toilet, should never use to any kitchen for a rough cleaning. I can not stand even rough. I will be mad!

Today I thought this kind of problems are not even our characters, but also our different culture.
For example, some European people would never surprised about the way of his cleaning. However I am sure all Japanese will be gone mad. 

It probably is not a big deal. Not many people have not got sick often.
However this kind of cleaning makes Japanese absolutely MAD! 

The way of clean is not whole perts of him. But might be a bit issue.

(tonight, I can not awaking any more. I will finish it laterr..

Recently

Recently I have been busy and a bit tired.
I am making Christmas presents for my daughters, I have to practice songs for the Christmas concert hard, and what...?

I am thinking about many things. For example, face soap, moisture, earring,my daughters, traveling, my darling's citizenship, and my further work, etc.
I do not know why I do not have enough time to do everything.
I used have time to do something although I was a full time worker.
Probably I used my sleeping time for the things that I wanted to do.

However, now I need eight hours sleep to keep my health. I can not believe how have I been unhealthy than before.
Not unhealthy, maybe lazy, or get tired easy.  I am always thinking about some exercise, but I CANNOT. I am so weak now. Maybe from menopause?
And maybe all of them are my excuses? But it is true that I am very tired.
How can I get my strengths back?

I might do too much focus to my family now and I have been left my significant others who is now sleeping in the bed earlier than me.. 
But it is the time to sort my family problem, I think.
I really really want to keep good relationship with my family. I have keep broken it for a long time, and when I realized I live far away from them, I just started to think about it.  
I do not want to be like my mother, never.
I had not known about her at all, and I do not want my daughters to be like me.
I want to talk with them more until I died.
Not such further plan, if possible I want to eat meal or go out with them again.
And I hope my darling will be include in those events, too.

I am not sure but I also did not like mum's new family and I felt isolation all the time. Yes, I might wanted to talk with my mum more.
I want to know what was she look like, I mean, her character, her life, her point of view and more. She was very clumsy and lonely person, I think.  And gave it up to talk with us. But I do not want to give it up with my daughters.

One day, we will gather and enjoy chatting with whole family like my darling's family, I hope. And we will make a lot of memories, I mean a lot of fun.
I am sure, our like should be full of laughter. No loneliness, no solitary any more.

Always something happen

I decided to back to Japan in April 2011.
I am looking forward it but today I got a message from my youngest and she says that her husband has been upset about my eldest, her husband and me.
He was thinking we, three people made a fool of him, and if we would not apologies him, he does not want to see us any more, moreover he does not want to me to see my grandson.

Since my youngest got pregnant, I was always their friend side. He might misunderstand me, I hope.
However during they built their new family, I was not there (I had been away to NZ) so, instead of me, his mother looked after them. He might be upsetting about it.
I do not care about that I can not see my grandson, because he, my grandson, does not know even me. But I feel sorry about my youngest a lot.
It will take long long time for he to understand me, or he will never understand me.
Because his mother loves him a lot, then gives many things to him, but I don't.
Should I look after my son in law as well as my daughters?
Yes, maybe my unwelcome attitude made them unhappy. I am a really awkward mum and mother in law,too.

When I am thinking about, I have never invite them to a meal. It is really bad.
But when I was in Japan, I did not have such a habit. 
We were looked like a crazy family, the house is always dirty, I was not at home in the night often, and still I can not afford to do anything for them.
But that is ME.
I was and am busy enough to keep the relationship with my real daughters.

Also when I am thinking about my mother, my previous husbands were not very happy to stay around her. Yes! guys need guys. I did not have husband.
But it should not be an excuse... The problem was ME.

I will just pray. Everything will be get well by next spring, I wish!

Old Friends

I wanted to continue more sawing, but why New Zealand's lights are so dark?
I could not see the moving of my needle any more after sunset, then I had to give it up.
Instead, I called to my old Japanese friend who I have known since I was 18.
Her name is Keiko and I call her "Kei-chan"
Last night, I also called to my another old friend.(Hina)
When I first met her, her daughter was 3 or 4, but now the daughter is 15.
I was so glad about Hina's daughter finally started to talk. She lost her word since she was small. (She can talk but she did not want to talk with anybody else for a long time.)
They both had stroke and nearly died.

Today I was thinking about my relatives who were my uncles.
My uncle father side, named Satoshi. And another uncle mother side named Masatoshi. I just realised their names were similar.
They were very kind to me, so different from my mum and dad.
My mother and father were always fighting so our family did not laugh often.
And my younger sister was six years difference from me, so we did not talk each other in that days because she was at age 1 to 7 or 8.
I was a teenager and how we could talk about common interest...she was too young.

I liked talk with my grandparents and uncle in mother side.
My grand parents and my uncle lived close and they were happy family. It helped me. My mother, my sister and I visited them every summer or New year.
My grand father called me "Doyagai-no-Maayan" that meant Maayan in the slum.
And who could imagine the small Maayan would moved to New Zealand and lived with American husband later!?
Now they (My grand parents, mother and uncle) have slept in same grave.

Anyway, Kei-chan was so surprised about me to live in NZ. 
I had believed that I was in a middle class, but when I think about myself, I was always poor. I did not graduated university. I did not have any particular skills until I entered to a nursing school when I was 39.
I was silly and always got lost in my life and had completely no money unless just feed.
However the lower level people in Osaka, they have warm hearts and friendly.
Although we have not seen each other for an ages, once we start to talk, we can share our feeling easy and it is not be felt long time.. xxx (I cannot express correctly.)

Kei-chan said "You become happier and happier."
Tonight I was also thinking about my life since I was young. I did any kind of job even though I felt embarrass to myself. Otherwise I could not feed my children.
I worked just for alive.
My daughters do not know about the detail, but that is fine because it was my fault.
Kei-chan also said "You had always chosen wrong people and struggled for not even money but also mentally. But now, how did you find such a nice person!? I am glad." 
I said "Maybe I am getting old and became much calm..."

I will likely find a better feeling later that a peaceful and tranquillity mind.

Where is the best to live

http://www.radionz.co.nz/news/national/61184/nz-third-in-world-for-quality-of-life-un
According to this article, New Zealand is the third country in the world for the quality of life. I want to say aloud "Look at this!" to my family and friends in Japan.
Japan is too developed for everything, education, medical and too much information.
Too much study, too much homework and too much presser let the even primary students make suicide.
Too much medication makes the life expectancy longer, but probably a quality of life is behind.
And too much information make people anxious.

Some people oppose me and say Japan is the best country to live. It is right to people who have never seen other countries.
But my point of view, Japan has too much population in the small country and they do not have enough own space, and it makes people unhealthy mentally, I think.
Human beings need enough nature that clean air, blue sea and a lot of green.
Japan is lack of these things.

Anyway, when I first saw the sky in Australia, I was very impressed about the wonderful colour. I had never seen such a beautiful sky in my life.
And I had also never seen the clear sea water in Japan, before I first saw it in New Zealand. 
I really like New Zealand better than Japan. The life is much slower and the nature is very beautiful. To me it is a paradise here. I am so happy.

Recent

http://www.rieti.go.jp/jp/columns/a01_0053.html

http://www.rieti.go.jp/en/columns/a01_0053.html

It is a fabulous story above about how Japanese are not good at English. 
I cannot believe my friend has been struggling for more than three years to get right score for an English exam.
She has decent nursing experience and just needs a bit more English skills.
It is very shame.

Some of Japanese are not interested in overseas at all and want to stay whole their life in Japan. I cannot believe it.
Japanese should have a look world widely and need to know their common sense is not the best one in the world. However I can encourage Japanese culture to other countries because it is so nice, but is is not the best as well.

Today I went to play tennis and met Pat (Nile's wife). She said that New Zealand schools need to invite more Japanese teacher and the students need to know about how different Japanese culture and New Zealand one. 
Because New Zealand people do not know how Japanese live in their dairy life, for example "How to get into the house." The answer is "Take your shoes off the entrance."
I introduced about how do we wash dishes. (We do not keep the water in a sink, instead we use running water. It might be waste the water.)

I am always interested in how and what do other countries people do in their dairy life. I know a litter bit but I have not known a lot yet.
It is interesting is not it!?
I would like to know about international food too, or clothes, yes, there are culture. We could never know if we just travel around short time.

I am so tired last few weeks. Because I went to bed after 12am. last few weeks I think. I try to go to bed early.
But if I can afford to do more things I am glad about that. Finally I want more than 24 hours in a day! Maybe every ten years I get a funny mental sick?, named "I don't want to waste any time syndrome" 
It looks like my mother. She had sometimes high tension I remembered.. but not often like me. Mine is worse.

Once I start to do something that is VERY interesting thing, It is hardly stop.
I need to calm down.. I am going to follow my darling. However he is not a strong leader. We might decide everything together. I like it.