Life

I just earlier thought I was cutting my nails on purpose because I do not want to see my father any more. 
I still hate him and it has some reasons which I do not want write it down here.
Sometimes I think real father and a daughter do not contact each other is sad.
But for a long time men scared me because of him.
And I did not know men should protect women.
That is why I might protect me myself. 

I also still do not like my name because it was given by him.
Men who called me by my name were only two, one was my father and other was my previous boyfriend;I had never loved him.

I hate the sound of my name. I have always wanted to change my name.
Oh, I just realized be called my name in English sounds not too bad.
I can hear it "mei(may)-you-me" and I like it.

I could not find right men because I did not make any expectation of protection form men, I think. I did not know what was men's role.
I was just lonely so it did not matter that what kind of men they were; unkind, agree, poor, etc.
What was men to me? I had no idea. They were just stay around me.
So my previous marriage did not have any reason, therefore they ought to be broken, boyfriends as well.

What the reason to get marry with especially someone?
Maybe no reason.
I now feel happy when I find my darling at the entrance when he comes back from work and it is a small thing, but it happens every days and important for me. My father was not like that. We did not see him every day.
I also did not see the nice talking with my mum and dad at the evening time.
I guess my mother was very quiet person and I am wondering she might did not have even any friend.
It is sad that I do not know anything about them; mother and father.

My grand parents, mother side, loved each other because they always looked happy when I visited them. Lots of laugh and talking. 
How do I know what was wrong with my mum and dad.
I am pretty sure that my personality made from them since my child age.
And it influenced whole my previous life, then I always choose wrong husbands. 

This is my third marriage with my darling.
So I really need to make sure he is my right person.
However it is almost impossible to find exactly right person and I think a marriage life should be built every day together.
We need understand each other and if we can not make it up, we need discussion each time.
Today I talked with my friend on the phone until late, so it is after 12:30am. I got tired and have to go to bed now.
I cannot finish my diary often.