I Cannot Sleep Tonight

I do not know why, I do not want to go to bed tonight.
I know, I will be tired tomorrow and I am sure I will be disappointed to myself tomorrow too, but I do not want to go to sleep, just tonight.
(I am going to make another cup of tea for me now)
Oh, no! I have not finished my tea yet. It had gone cold.

Recently I am happier than before a little bit, because sometimes my oldest daughter is looking my mixi diary even though she still has blocked my contact to her mixi diary. That is fine!
And I am particularly happy today as I found a nice material for my Christmas tapestries which are for my three daughters. 
The material, color is snow white and it is exactly much for another colors.

I think, my life travel has never stopped.  I want to stop it, I mean I want to be stable, no more roller coaster, no more up and down.
But probably if my life is flat, it would not be fun at all.
However, no more coaster, just graduate sliding is enough.
I could suspect, still more interesting things will be happen later in my life, and I hate them now. A peaceful life is perfect. (maybe it is a lie..)

I just realized that I would like to be normal, just like an ordinary person.
Yes, I remembered, the other day Zela said that I am an interesting person and I thought so too, but I hate it.. 
I want to be a very ordinary wife and mother, nothing should not happen in my life for ever.....(What a boring life! but now I like it.)

Today I thought my darling is boring. He says that I am funny, but I am not be funny on purpose. I always try to be an ordinary person but I can't. 
For example, an ordinary person does not wake up till such midnight.(Really?!)
What is an ordinary person look like?
I might be a very ordinary person.
And who and how to make our life more colorful?

When I think about my darling, I would like to put more colors on his faded screen, or it might be too much care, I mean he does not need it. 
He says that I am a sail and the boat cannot go without sail.
But I do not think I am a sail. If he is the boat, I am... now I am an anchor. Oh, too bad! I keep him stuck. And he also stops me at same place, but I sometimes like it. Oh, how can we move to next place?
The cause is I do not want a change. I like here, I like people here, the environment here and I do not want to change anything.
I am building my new life here slowly but he does not like here.
So we are like magnet. I think later we will be go to a bad situation again.

How to prevent it this time?
Am I strong enough? Is he strong enough? Can we go beyond a big wave?
I always have some troubles and they are coming day after day.
Now, it is really time to ready go next. I have to have my firm thought in my core of my mind. And I might have it, but not sure how to express it.
I want to have a strong opinion for my life.
"I want to be... I want to be...." if I am thinking so always, they will come to me?

The other day my mixi friend YUI said so to me too.
Yes, I do not stop, just go ahead, no looking back.
I am a....yes! as YUI said big engine. I will pull the boat if we do not have any wind! Therefore I always can not find a right guy. My right guy must not stubborn. I can not sail with stubborn person, I can sail with only flexible person!
And unfortunately I can not change people, so I need to change flexible. 
When I think about myself, I am the most stubborn person!