It is 31st December, finally! I cannot believe I turned to 54.
I think I will not feel any impression about rest of 50s.
Today we are going to Whale Bay that Zela's recommendation.
Last night I saw the photo of there and it looked so beautiful, so I am glad about I can spend my birthday there.
I finally realized recently, it takes long time to restore our relationship between my daughter and me. What I can do is just spend time.
I cannot do anything fast. Because it took long time to broke the relationship so it takes longer to fix it. However I will not give it up.
It is OK. One day we can enjoy the chatting with a cup of tea for sure.
It might take ten years or more, it is OK...
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
2010 Think fo Family
This year will be finished soon. (My English does not improve much..)
Yesterday I thought my life is quite long. When I was on the boat, I was looking the far land then I immediately remembered old days that I was 18 or 19.
I was already a mum at my 20s'. I felt I was very old.
Nowadays 20s' girls are very young. If I were more clever or considerable person, I would not get married at such a young age.
I could enjoy my own life, I could do much more things that I wanted to do.
I feel I wasted many years for terrible marriage, not for kids.
My kids are my treasure from God even though they have never thought so.
How about Me, for my parents, especially father? We had not seen each other.
How was mum? I really feel I had not talked with her at all.
I wanted to talk about more things with her, about her life, hobbies, love, or more.
I feel it is time to forgive my parents, because I am old enough.
When I go to Japan, I am going to go mum's grave with my sister.
It must be beautiful time of the year in April.
And fortunately my grand parents and ankle are sleep in same place with my mum.
How is dad? I sent a Christmas card to for him but no reply so far. I am just started to worrier about him a bit. He is 79 now.
Anyway, I am still not well. I have unhappy stomach, tongue of course, and fatigue.
I know I need some exercise but I cannot, too tired.
I sometimes feel better, just few times. I hope it causes from menopause.
Next year I will try harder to restore our family bond... I will...
Yesterday I thought my life is quite long. When I was on the boat, I was looking the far land then I immediately remembered old days that I was 18 or 19.
I was already a mum at my 20s'. I felt I was very old.
Nowadays 20s' girls are very young. If I were more clever or considerable person, I would not get married at such a young age.
I could enjoy my own life, I could do much more things that I wanted to do.
I feel I wasted many years for terrible marriage, not for kids.
My kids are my treasure from God even though they have never thought so.
How about Me, for my parents, especially father? We had not seen each other.
How was mum? I really feel I had not talked with her at all.
I wanted to talk about more things with her, about her life, hobbies, love, or more.
I feel it is time to forgive my parents, because I am old enough.
When I go to Japan, I am going to go mum's grave with my sister.
It must be beautiful time of the year in April.
And fortunately my grand parents and ankle are sleep in same place with my mum.
How is dad? I sent a Christmas card to for him but no reply so far. I am just started to worrier about him a bit. He is 79 now.
Anyway, I am still not well. I have unhappy stomach, tongue of course, and fatigue.
I know I need some exercise but I cannot, too tired.
I sometimes feel better, just few times. I hope it causes from menopause.
Next year I will try harder to restore our family bond... I will...
Monday, December 20, 2010
Christmas time
I have not written this blog for a long time, I feel.
I was busy for many things; singing, parties, shopping, cleaning, washing...
We had rain last ten days and eventually we had the sun today!
So I had to do a lot of washing. Our house was humid and yucky!
And we had heaps of ants on the kitchen counter, then I bought an ants killer liquid for $27! but I did not have to use it. Most of them went back to their nest.
I still have some problems about my oldest daughter and a bit with my youngest.
I hope they will understand me one day.
I realized that I have not given any mentally help for them when they wanted.
No, I gave some, I am sure, there were but not enough for them.
Am I a bad mum? I have just not known HOW TO LOVE my significant others.
Those from my mother, however I have lived for more than fifty years, so I cannot say so, although it was mother's (not only mum, my parents) fault.
I need to find myself how to love my important people.
My oldest said " DO you know how do you make me happy?" No I do not.
I have to think about that, it is my weakest point, I mean I am not good at thinking how to make people happy.
Anyway, it is Christmas time now, and I first realized it is the biggest event for Christian. I had never known that! It is same as "NEW YEAR event" in Japan.
People prepare many presents and food for their family and friends who come over from near and far places. I remembered about Japanese New Year and got a little bit home-sick.
By the way, it takes long time to recover from my TRAUMA since I was child.
I never want to do same mistake over and over. Jesus said, "Always not too late" I want to believe it. I was really BAD person before almost crazy.
But once I found the way of live better, I should keep continue although many temptations are around me all the time.
I think reading bible is a good idea to find a way to go ahead of my life.
And I am really glad to met my darling who is basically Christian.
So, now Christmas is a quite important event for me. I would like to celebrate it with my family. I might be a weak person who needs Christ's help.
I am also glad to know Christianity, and I am appreciated to my grand mother father side who taught me Christianity.
I was busy for many things; singing, parties, shopping, cleaning, washing...
We had rain last ten days and eventually we had the sun today!
So I had to do a lot of washing. Our house was humid and yucky!
And we had heaps of ants on the kitchen counter, then I bought an ants killer liquid for $27! but I did not have to use it. Most of them went back to their nest.
I still have some problems about my oldest daughter and a bit with my youngest.
I hope they will understand me one day.
I realized that I have not given any mentally help for them when they wanted.
No, I gave some, I am sure, there were but not enough for them.
Am I a bad mum? I have just not known HOW TO LOVE my significant others.
Those from my mother, however I have lived for more than fifty years, so I cannot say so, although it was mother's (not only mum, my parents) fault.
I need to find myself how to love my important people.
My oldest said " DO you know how do you make me happy?" No I do not.
I have to think about that, it is my weakest point, I mean I am not good at thinking how to make people happy.
Anyway, it is Christmas time now, and I first realized it is the biggest event for Christian. I had never known that! It is same as "NEW YEAR event" in Japan.
People prepare many presents and food for their family and friends who come over from near and far places. I remembered about Japanese New Year and got a little bit home-sick.
By the way, it takes long time to recover from my TRAUMA since I was child.
I never want to do same mistake over and over. Jesus said, "Always not too late" I want to believe it. I was really BAD person before almost crazy.
But once I found the way of live better, I should keep continue although many temptations are around me all the time.
I think reading bible is a good idea to find a way to go ahead of my life.
And I am really glad to met my darling who is basically Christian.
So, now Christmas is a quite important event for me. I would like to celebrate it with my family. I might be a weak person who needs Christ's help.
I am also glad to know Christianity, and I am appreciated to my grand mother father side who taught me Christianity.
Monday, December 13, 2010
An Isolation
I still feel an isolation from others with English.
Or it is from my character, maybe.
I am too childish and too out going person. Some people do not like it.
Recently I have looked back my previous life and think, It was so bad.
I did a lot of stupid things that I do not want even remember.
I feel I do not grow up. I might have a mental illness.
Who said? all people have mental problems, oh that was my counselor in Wellington.
But I always want to be an ordinary person, I do not like been unique.
Then I can be normal and sometime feel an isolation from people of majority.
Who gave me such a funny character? Where it came from?
I have never seen any person like me. (Came to overseas alone after 50s' and left children in home country) I have NEVER seen!
I should ask Zela tomorrow?
So, I cannot accept myself sometimes.
However I do not think belong to majority is better than unique.
Life is just once and it is mine.
I am pretty sure I should not have children. They are surviving much more than other kids who have normal parents.
Did I give them suffering? My parents might gave me a suffering but I was too easy going and did not realize about it. I might be a fool person.
It is 1am. now. I have to go to bed. But I cannot go to sleep recently.
My brain works harder then my body. And things are getting worse.
It is probably a seasoning disease. (Spring time)
And I do not think my darling can help it. I know it is my problem but I am still looking for some one who can help my mental completely.
Am I not independent? The answer is maybe "Yes!"
I am always worried about people around me, what are they thinking about me?
I just want to be involved majority people. (My darling described that "A flower on the wall")
Never mind, I really need to go to bed now.
Or it is from my character, maybe.
I am too childish and too out going person. Some people do not like it.
Recently I have looked back my previous life and think, It was so bad.
I did a lot of stupid things that I do not want even remember.
I feel I do not grow up. I might have a mental illness.
Who said? all people have mental problems, oh that was my counselor in Wellington.
But I always want to be an ordinary person, I do not like been unique.
Then I can be normal and sometime feel an isolation from people of majority.
Who gave me such a funny character? Where it came from?
I have never seen any person like me. (Came to overseas alone after 50s' and left children in home country) I have NEVER seen!
I should ask Zela tomorrow?
So, I cannot accept myself sometimes.
However I do not think belong to majority is better than unique.
Life is just once and it is mine.
I am pretty sure I should not have children. They are surviving much more than other kids who have normal parents.
Did I give them suffering? My parents might gave me a suffering but I was too easy going and did not realize about it. I might be a fool person.
It is 1am. now. I have to go to bed. But I cannot go to sleep recently.
My brain works harder then my body. And things are getting worse.
It is probably a seasoning disease. (Spring time)
And I do not think my darling can help it. I know it is my problem but I am still looking for some one who can help my mental completely.
Am I not independent? The answer is maybe "Yes!"
I am always worried about people around me, what are they thinking about me?
I just want to be involved majority people. (My darling described that "A flower on the wall")
Never mind, I really need to go to bed now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
How Happy
In this World, there are many lonely and poor people there.
The other day my friend, Aya said that when she is down she tries to help people instead be helped.
Till now I have been helped from many people, so from now I am going to try to help others.
I had always looked for benefits from others, and I am very happy now, but this happiness has built from other's efforts, I think.
I also made many people sad and my ways of making people sad were quite cruel.
I do not know where I learned it from.
Others around me also hurt me cruelly? but they were probably not on purpose.
I was just unlucky.
I think it is time to consider how to communicate better with people who are important for me.
I was before keen to coop with people who were not important to me. They sometimes tried to take something from me, but I never realized that.
Some people who really thought about me kindly, tried me to realized how important myself is. But I did not understand it.
I just followed bad people. It was sometimes fun but I also lost many things.
Now they were all gone and I will not close them.
Sometimes I remember about them and try to find them from old days, but it is stupid! If I did it, I would miss all my important things again.
How to stand firmly. I cannot drift any more because now I have many important things which I should not miss.
It is time to think.
How do I make my life better and how do I protect my significant others.
What is the most important thing in my life?
Recently I just found a tip of them and have to try to not miss it.
The other day my friend, Aya said that when she is down she tries to help people instead be helped.
Till now I have been helped from many people, so from now I am going to try to help others.
I had always looked for benefits from others, and I am very happy now, but this happiness has built from other's efforts, I think.
I also made many people sad and my ways of making people sad were quite cruel.
I do not know where I learned it from.
Others around me also hurt me cruelly? but they were probably not on purpose.
I was just unlucky.
I think it is time to consider how to communicate better with people who are important for me.
I was before keen to coop with people who were not important to me. They sometimes tried to take something from me, but I never realized that.
Some people who really thought about me kindly, tried me to realized how important myself is. But I did not understand it.
I just followed bad people. It was sometimes fun but I also lost many things.
Now they were all gone and I will not close them.
Sometimes I remember about them and try to find them from old days, but it is stupid! If I did it, I would miss all my important things again.
How to stand firmly. I cannot drift any more because now I have many important things which I should not miss.
It is time to think.
How do I make my life better and how do I protect my significant others.
What is the most important thing in my life?
Recently I just found a tip of them and have to try to not miss it.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Recent
I stopped to learn English although my English is not good enough.
I stopped to play tennis.
I stopped to sing songs at home (I sing just at chorus).
My thought has already looked my next future.
I think my life travel never stop till I died or when I cannot move myself.
My mind is always not here, always looks further way.
Why I cannot stay at same place?
I never know what will happen next. I might be very very optimistic person.
Because who knows about tomorrow, it does not make sense that worry about tomorrow.
So I do things that just I have to do.
I might lose my aim for near future, because I do not have anything that I have to do so far.
Before, I was always thinking " I have to something" but now I do not.
Maybe I got to use to New Zealand life style.
New Zealand people do not worried about their future often, I think.
Something happen, then do something for them, nothing happen, then do anything.
Maybe In Japan, we have much more crises.
In here, have a job, any job, I can alive, I hope.
If I do not have job, I have unemployment benefit, then I can alive.
But in Japan, we cannot. Nobody help me and I would suddenly be in trouble to live.
It is awful isn't it!
I can be much more optimistic here. That is enough reason for the moving.
( I think my English is not improving.)
Recently, I just spend time and day without do anything.
I should find a next aim. What shall I do? But I cannot start anything at this moment for ready to next moving, so it looks like I am stuck. But it is not too bad.
I still enjoy everything.
I had never felt such feeling before. (I do not have to do anything) How happy and lucky me!
I hope this is a time for charging my energy to next big moving if it will come.
I am very optimistic now.
(My brain does not work very well. I forget everything quick. too bad.)
Maybe I have to start new thing that I "HAVE TO DO" I don't know.
Anyway, I missed an aim for my life. (I mean I am very happy now, but I might have to do something.)
I stopped to play tennis.
I stopped to sing songs at home (I sing just at chorus).
My thought has already looked my next future.
I think my life travel never stop till I died or when I cannot move myself.
My mind is always not here, always looks further way.
Why I cannot stay at same place?
I never know what will happen next. I might be very very optimistic person.
Because who knows about tomorrow, it does not make sense that worry about tomorrow.
So I do things that just I have to do.
I might lose my aim for near future, because I do not have anything that I have to do so far.
Before, I was always thinking " I have to something" but now I do not.
Maybe I got to use to New Zealand life style.
New Zealand people do not worried about their future often, I think.
Something happen, then do something for them, nothing happen, then do anything.
Maybe In Japan, we have much more crises.
In here, have a job, any job, I can alive, I hope.
If I do not have job, I have unemployment benefit, then I can alive.
But in Japan, we cannot. Nobody help me and I would suddenly be in trouble to live.
It is awful isn't it!
I can be much more optimistic here. That is enough reason for the moving.
( I think my English is not improving.)
Recently, I just spend time and day without do anything.
I should find a next aim. What shall I do? But I cannot start anything at this moment for ready to next moving, so it looks like I am stuck. But it is not too bad.
I still enjoy everything.
I had never felt such feeling before. (I do not have to do anything) How happy and lucky me!
I hope this is a time for charging my energy to next big moving if it will come.
I am very optimistic now.
(My brain does not work very well. I forget everything quick. too bad.)
Maybe I have to start new thing that I "HAVE TO DO" I don't know.
Anyway, I missed an aim for my life. (I mean I am very happy now, but I might have to do something.)
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