An Isolation

I still feel an isolation from others with English.
Or it is from my character, maybe.
I am too childish and too out going person. Some people do not like it.
Recently I have looked back my previous life and think, It was so bad.
I did a lot of stupid things that I do not want even remember.
I feel I do not grow up. I might have a mental illness.
Who said? all people have mental problems, oh that was my counselor in Wellington.
But I always want to be an ordinary person, I do not like been unique.
Then I can be normal and sometime feel an isolation from people of majority.
Who gave me such a funny character? Where it came from? 
I have never seen any person like me. (Came to overseas alone after 50s' and left children in home country) I have NEVER seen!
I should ask Zela tomorrow?
So, I cannot accept myself sometimes.
However I do not think belong to majority is better than unique.
Life is just once and it is mine.
I am pretty sure I should not have children. They are surviving much more than other kids who have normal parents.
Did I give them suffering? My parents might gave me a suffering but I was too easy going and did not realize about it. I might be a fool person.

It is 1am. now. I have to go to bed. But I cannot go to sleep recently.
My brain works harder then my body. And things are getting worse.
It is probably a seasoning disease. (Spring time)
And I do not think my darling can help it. I know it is my problem but I am still looking for some one who can help my mental completely.
Am I not independent? The answer is maybe "Yes!"
I am always worried about people around me, what are they thinking about me?
I just want to be involved majority people. (My darling described that "A flower on the wall")

Never mind, I really need to go to bed now.