About myself

Recently I have been visiting many others blogs everywhere in the world, not really, most of them are in Japan and Australia.
However I thought million people have million lives.
I don't know why I cannot stay at same place any longer. I am always traveling since I was born.
Am I a traveler?
Even though after moved to overseas I moved a lot already.
Was I a sailer in my previous life?

And I feel shame about myself is I always leave some body at the previous place and they have to stay there without me. Am I such a important person? Do I make them sad? I feel sorry about that.

Recently my darling is not a good situation but he should decide what he wants to do himself but I feel I have given a quite a lot affection to him.
I am a not patient person and I wind some one's thought but not on purpose.
I feel I am able to change some one's life and I should not do that.
However all people have their own lives so my life is just mine. I hope I have not done anything to others lives.
(Now I am listening the radio so I cannot keep concentration what I am writing so my writing is quite messy)
I should stop to write... 

I had a dream last night that was about my friend. She finally upset to me and gave everything back that I gave to her before. And I said something that I should not say. One of the stuff was my favorite neck lease that was white and pretty beads on it, and I said "Oh, did you have it!? I thought that I lost it to somewhere."  It meant I had forgotten about that I gave it for her. I saw upsetting face of her.
I thought that she is probably accumulating some compliant to me since long time ago?
Not a good thing about me is I choose my friends by their age. My wrong understanding about age is I am thinking older people have more experiences than younger people so I prefer to get together with older people than me.
However sometimes it is wrong.
I feel I am silly.
Sometimes I have to look back my life since I was young or kid.
I should start to accept myself and try to like myself.

The other day I wrote a message to my friend that I don't like my mother's part.
I really think that I should not have children because I am a person who live my own. But God gave me three kids, THREE!
They were my big mistake but if God has done everything on purpose or if everything happen on our life have meaning, it means I have to fix them myself and they are my tasks by I go to heaven. That is a BIG job!

It seems take a long long time to fix them. However I have to enjoy my life with them. They are always my heavy burden.
Lily said, "Give your burden to God, he will take it." Really? I want to cry...because my burden is too big.
Most of topics of this blog is filled by these kind of topics.
I want to get away from here one day but I have not found the way of get out yet.

English

I forgot when was it but I completely stopped to "study" English.
Because recently I have no trouble with English at my daily life even on the phone.
Most of time people understand me so I have been lazy to improve my English.
However all people around me say that my English is funny, it is like "Japanglish".
I know my way of say something is strange.

I think English is an one of the difficult languages to learn because it has a lot of exceptions or sometimes does not have particular rules.
And (how can I say..?) it is very difficult to get them for an old person like me.
If I were teenager or 20s, I could learn faster. (I cannot make excuse?!)
It takes time for me.
From my experience, getting English faster is talk with people.
So although I didn't know proper English grammar, I could feel strangeness of speaking. It is as same thing as that babies are able to recognize the strange feeling of foreigners speaking if they learned  their language from their mothers. I am like a three years kid now then I can feel the strangeness a little bit at last.

The best thing to improve English is read books, I know but I don't like reading much. NO, I like reading if I could find very interesting stories but I have not found them yet. Some people recommend me some good stories but I still have not found any.
What kind of books I like is for example life experience stories (non fiction) or essay of someone's life, something like that. I don't like fiction much.
Because I would like to share similar feelings with others so they should not be unreal.
However it is quite difficult to find these kind of stories because most of others experiences would not satisfy me. I want to read really fantastic wonderful stories that would not make me sleepy.

October 2011

I can't believe that it is already October tomorrow.
Although my darling's job is not stable, ( I hope ) we are not very unhappy. 
We have been exploring in the new country and that became enjoyable for me recently as I have some people who I have already known in the chorus.

I finally talked with Lynn the other night. I was interested in her and wanted to talk with since I first saw her.
She was the person who difficult to close. She doesn't talk others who she has not known very much, it sounds a bit protective person.
She had got her own unique accent that was actually from Scotland and I didn't recognized about it.

She came from Scotland by her own for 18 years ago with some suitcases. I thought that what a brave lady she was! 
However I came to New Zealand by my own with two suitcases too.
People say I was brave but I wasn't. I was weak before.
The experience of being overseas made me brave a bit if I didn't meet my darling.
I am always not perfectly brave. I am a person who live with others always.

However only five months life in Wellington changed me.
I might threw something away at that time and got something new. But even after that I kept getting more new experiences.
And those new experiences is coming with my darling and I feel heart warm life with him, although we get fight often.

So it means that I am not exactly same kind of person as Lynn. She is completely alone. I am just interested in what makes her to been alone.
I think I changed. I don't want to do same mistake again so I try really hard to keep continue my new life with my darling. No, I am not trying, I am just staying  natural. I am happy.

Tonight we went to a restaurant and talked about our travel in the future that where we want to go for rest of our life. We had a lot that we want to go.
I am still not sure about my life is right or wrong (I mean for my daughters). It is absolutely right for me. I mean if I am happy, are they going to happy too??
I really hope so. But I have not any power to change them so what I can do is just pray for them. Yes, I have to pray for them all the time and it is probably mother's job.

I am glad because at least I am happy now and I can afford to pray for them. If I am unhappy I will not able to pray for others, would I?

Recently I have not practice any English so I know my English is so broken. I found it takes time to get every new skills. I was always rush, rush and rush.
I don't know how could my father know about that even though we didn't live together except only for a short time. He was right.

And what my mum had known about me?? She had not said anything, I guess. She was so quiet. I might find out what my mum and dad looked like sometimes.
Moms cousin said that she was a beautiful woman and always brought a souvenir for them but it was the only an impression about her. She was really mysterious.
Both of my parents were mysterious. I don't know anything about them. I terribly don't have any memories about them. What a terrible daughter am I? I can't feel thanks for them. I might have to try to remember about them.

OK, I will try to remember good things about them or with them.

Just an ordinary day

 I made (I am sure that we have more appropriate word instead "made") a new blog titled "Canberra Daily " but it is Japanese so I might keep writing this blog in English.

Emi passed an exam to get into the  free computer programing course and I was very glad. She is a clever girl but sometimes scares me.

Mika looks not very happy now but at least she said "no news" that was good.

Manimi moved to new house she said but she did not tell me where it is.
However she seems a bit independent than before so that"s good.

Time pushes everything of our life without stopping.
(I would like to read more books to improve my poor expression)
The other night I saw a dream about my friend Vicky.
She was in yellow dress and green sticking and maybe wore a yellow hat too.
I found her in a crowd, ran close and hugged with tears in my eyes.
I really need to call her again when our stuff came from New Zealand.
Stupidly I put her phone number is the storage...

It is another beautiful day (however my husband feels very bad..) so I hope that we go somewhere and get some positive energy for next week.

New Life

It is probably time to make new blog because I am not in New Zealand any more.

It has been three months after I left Whangarei but I could never forgotten about that lovely small town that close to the ocean, can be feel warm wind from the sea and laughter with my friends all the time.

My husband and I went to the beach, raw the dingy, sang songs and worked on the boat. I terribly missed the sea.
Although my health wasn't very good, I still enjoyed everything. I really wanted to stay there.

Well, I have to find new life here for another five years or more but I have no idea so far. I need the sea.
When I walk down the street in the city or in the malls, I feel similar feeling that as same as Osaka. I mean I feel this is a city, not a rural.
Spring had come to the prison, the trees are little brighter than before.

I am negative now. I should been positive and have to find a new way to live, I know it.  I am just stuck.
I am basically very happy, my husband is here, we have no trouble to eat and I am still healthy compare to others who I have known in Japan. 
What do I want more?? the sea-----Oh what can I do?





 

Settle down

After two months we came to Canberra, we finally found a rent flat and we are moving this weekend. I am glad.
The flat is small and almost full furnished. We don't have washing machine, fridge, microwave, TV, so that is great, although the rent cost is way too expensive.
I just found another rent on "All homes" website and that is so much better than the rent we rented. It is shame but I have to give up and believe that our rent was the best.
I hope that I or we will get to used to Canberra more later and find the comfort as I still don't like here very much because I cannot see the sea and other nice views.
I know trees are coming to green, and maybe some flowers are start to blooming but I have really missed some important things that I cannot remember.
It may happy chatting with close friends at a coffee shop by the water...

When I am walking shopping malls here, I feel almost same feeling as Osaka. There are city people everywhere. But in New Zealand I had elt much difference. People are much country like. I loved that.
And I could see the sea easily but, here, I cannot. It is the saddest thing.
Probably I should dream about move by the sea later.
And it is hard to recognize that we live happily here.

One day I am sure that we have to back to our nicest country New Zealand.

 

 

 

 

We are in Canberra

On 5th of June, afternoon, we moved to Canberra with just a couple of suits cases.

I thought we could find our own place quickly, but we have not found yet.
Because my darling wants to wait until his Australian salary comes up to his new account.
So we do not have any our stuff yet, even car, then our life is quite inconvenient.
I think I would not have such an experience in my life often.
"LIVE without ANYTHING"
What I have currently, is some of my clothes, a couple of knitting needles that I bought the other day
and three knotting balls!

However fortunately I have got my small laptop and it can be connected with the Internet, so it helps my social life a lot. Otherwise I am sure I will be depress.
Therefore I could contact with my friends in Whangarei , it makes me happy.

One of my dearest friend, Vicky, discovered her cancer is spread out all of her born. This news is very sad. If I were in Wellington, I would visit her often and encourage her.
My other friends in Whangarei, they seem OK.

I joined a chorus that is as same international chorus as Whangarei Harmony Chorus. I would love to keep joining them, but I am not sure because our current situation are changing day by day.
And I never know where we will live even few month later.
It is fear, but also fun.
But my ideal life is live rural, enjoy a cup of coffee in my small garden, sing songs and play piano or other music instrumentals.
I do not know when my dream will come true.
At least I have got my clever husband, so it is the happiest thing in my life because I feel much secure than live alone. I love him.

I have no idea what should I do now, or what can I do now.
Optimistic people might say "You moved there just half month ago. You cannot do everything so quick!" but I get so bored.  
Some of my friends say "Go out and explore, although you do not have your own transport." I would love to do that but I do not know why I just do not want to do it here. I missed the sea heaps!
The sea always call? me "Come close to me" or I like forest too.
I love trees, water, fresh air...but here, I can see only light brown trees and crops. The lakes are not blue. They make me sad.
I might go for stroll to the park...

I missed Whangarei so much.

23th May

For a long time, I have not written this blog.
I left Whangarei 12th April and I was not very happy in that time, because I was worried about my daughters. 

When I got to my house, it was like a disaster and I went mad.
It is going to be a long story, and I do not want write the whole story.
The consequence is Mika was upsetting to me since long time ago, and Manami as well. 
I did not realize that. I was thinking they wanted to see me.
But their thoughts and mine ware far.

I was really happy to stay with Emi for the first week.
I could never forget that Emi waved her hand until we turned the first corner of the street. How did I leave such an adorable daughter before.
I was disappointed to myself.

I really enjoyed to staying in the US as a daughter in law.
George's parents were nice people and it was heart warming time (I am sure, my English is wrong)

When I backed Japan, I had tough time again.
I have never enjoyed everything perfectly, however I am really appreciated for George. He is very patient person, therefore I could see many people who I had missed.
And I was so happy that my sister and Emi's couple met each other. 
Because it was my HOPE since my mum died.

I will try to gather other daughters as well one day.
It takes time for them to understand me.
People say they need independent, but I want  them to UNDERSTAND me, instead. I am always complete everything perfectly, although they do not want to understand me.
To me, UNDERSTANDING is accept each other, accept the deferences.

My ideal is always too high, but that is me. I cannot change, unfortunately.

Sixth of April

It was the last lesson with Zela today.
We talked a lot of things together since we met.
She is not only English teacher but also my friend in Whangarei.
When I talk with her I feel I am a just normal woman.
I was thinking I am a quite unusual woman as a Japanese, but I am actually not in overseas. That is really good.

It is time to change the relationship with my daughters.
As Zela says, they need to grown up, and I need to tell it to them.
It is tough but it is a one of mother's work, probably.
I have been thinking that I want to quit mum since I came to New Zealand.
Coming to NZ was just happened, but maybe it has important reason.
Mother leaves her daughters at far place is not usual, however I could not stay in Japan longer. I had to leave.

I think my leaving was right.
Although I wanted to leave from everything that bothered me in Japan.
I thought when I left from everything, I could start new life in new place.
My oldest daughter said that I escaped from everything.
But I could not stop. I am always looking for new place and things.
It was a bit different from escape, it was like a challenge.
However I cannot make an excuse, then I should find some better things.

(I have no time to wire, I mean no time to think about anything right now, so I will write some later. I think I always say so.)

I changed a lot

Recently I feel that my thought changed very much for compare to when I was in Japan. 
I have no idea how had I been loosing such a natural feeling as a human being.
When I try to remember, since I was 16 or 17, no one showed normal example as an adult, because I missed my father and my mother was not at home ether.
My parents had not good relationship since I was small child.
To me, they had hated each other and our family was not happy always.
Then they finally divorced when I was 16.
Before then, after then, they had never showed real family life for kids with full of love.

I think that I am basically selfish because no one scolded me.
And I had had my own ideal family life in my mind since I was young that was really girlish thing like a dream.
It was "When I get marry with some one, I will have a boy and a girl, then we will be a completely happy family and nobody can break it!"
However my dream was broken several times. 

The life in Japan made me stupid. I had a lot of wrong information day after day, I was not wise and made many mistakes.
I realised about it just recent and was embarrassed myself very much.
So I do not get back to Japan, but if I have to, I want to erase everything that I had done there. I can say that I was CRAZY.
I hope it is not too late that I realised about it.

However I have not any confidence to fix my self image for people in Japan.
They are difficult people, not simple at all.
Because, in Japan, there are too many people, too much information, and there are no way to choose right information by themselves.
Probably just I cannot? perhaps clever people CAN make good decision all most all the time...but not me.
And words are also complicated. I always say something wrong in Japanese.
I am sure I am a person who is better to live in overseas.
Japan is TOO complicated country and not a place to live for me.

I have been in New Zealand now for three and half years and I am very comfortable here. The life is simple, nature is fantastic, small population and people are not mean.
I wrote it before. In Japan sometimes people have to be nasty otherwise we cannot be a winner of WAR of life. I think in Japan, the life is like war.
I was very tired about it, and I want to say no thank you.

But, soon I have to back to Japan and have to talk about my future with my family. I am sure they could never understand my thought because they have never lived in overseas, and they would say everything with their own sense of various. I have totally no idea. We would be upset each other.

I want all my family to be happy even though they like keep living in Japan. That is OK. That is their choice.
But I am not sure they could accept me or not. I want to quit "Mother" and want to be a human being.
I am thinking since I was 30s' that people who cannot be happy, cannot make others happy. However with Japanese culture, if somebody are unhappy in the family, everybody should not be happy, otherwise we feel guilty.
Japan is such country, I feel. I really want to escape from there.
I am very selfish or unusual person.

Why I say so, recently my daughters and their husbands made me unhappy by their bad words. But I understand it because they had terrible disaster in March (earthquake and a lot of outbreak to the economy), so they are down now.
And I am only happy person in our family because I live in peaceful country like a paradise. So I feel jealousy from them. (I am a lucky person.)
I have no idea that how do I influence my luck for them. I really hope I can do it when I go to Japan. But how.....

April 2011

I told a lie for this April fool just to Mandy. ("Oh! a spider on your shoulder!" Mandy laughed and hit my shoulder)

March 2011 past very fast, because many things happened.
Maz's wedding and Mark's coming for it, George went to Australia, I resigned my job, I told about my moving to everybody, my own wedding and some problem with my daughters that was influenced from my marriage.  
And Japanese huge disaster, and it is still continuing. 
It is going to be very long time until back to normal.

I did not think about my own house seriously before, but when my oldest daughter mentioned me how complicated if I died faster than George, I started to search it on the Internet, and now I knew it is terribly complicated.
So my aim to go to Japan is going to be solve that kind of problem mainly.

I think, George is sometimes bossy to me, or might be just stubborn, however I really need to discus about my house with my family and George.
Because it would be worse than I thought, and I realised how I was optimistic person. I should not be since I bought my own house.

Well, I am talking with my sister on mixi message right now, so I will write about my problem later.

March will be gone tomorrow

I was crazy busy since first of March, then could not up date any writing for a month!
Many things happened in the mean time that was not only for myself but also my family in Japan.
We, Japan had terrible earthquake on 11th of this month. It was incredibly awful.
Japan had a huge earthquake and Tsunami, then more than 10,000 people died, and still a lot of people are missing. 
And the worse thing is a radiation leaking from Fukushima nuclear plants.
The problem is not resolved yet.

I am going to write the detail sometimes later.
(about my nephew, my sister, my daughters, my wedding, Aya, my work and more more)
Because I am quite busy for moving to new place so far.

Recent

My life currently is not tranquil at all.
Because we have been planning our moving to "SOMEWHERE"  since long time ago, and it is becoming more real day by day.

It is a long story and I have told others over and over, so I do not want write it any more, however I think it is better to write it down here.

This story is only my side (of view?).
I got my present job in last April and I started as a releaver.
In that time we had a plan to attend our friend's wedding, and it took at least five days for drove from Brisbane and came back. (flight from New Zealand)
It included a weekend, so I needed four days off.
My work is only three hours a day, and I knew my employer had some releaver like me.
I (do not know how can I say in English) became a permanent worker in June as the same position.
I told my boss about my leaving for the weeding two weeks before.
She was really up set about it and said "You did not tell me about it when you had an interview." I was quite surprised, because I thought only four days off were not a big deal.
She talked with the chair person, then I was able to attend the wedding, but after I came back she let me promise (I do not know a better expression  in English) "I am not able to buy a ticket before I tell it to her never ever."

I had a problem with one of my daughters in Japan, and one day I saw a sad comment on her blog, then I suddenly wanted to go home and see her.
It was before Christmas, so I had six weeks holiday!
Then I bought a ticket to Japan, but my husband did not agree for me to go myself. The ticket was not able to cancel but was able to change the dates.
My husband and I discussed and decided to move them to April, and he bought his tickets as well.

My husband (not husband yet) kept telling me "Do not tell anything to anybody until we find next place to go." and time had been going.
Because he did not want his boss to knew his leaving. I am sure that is right.
I could keep the secret.

I have joined a choir and they have a competition in the end of April in wellington, so after the Christmas holiday they started to look for the accommodation and flight tickets.
They asked me why I will not attend the competition. I said "We are thinking about travel to Japan and the US in April because the weather would be good."

And time had gone.
I had got a part of the chorus for a musical and they would started the rehearsal from middle of February, and one of our conductors was a member of the team for the musical. She knew my leaving for the traveling so she said "You should tell about it to the producer." and I told.  
It meant she knew I will leave for six weeks.

I thought I cannot keep the secret any more, but my husband kept telling me "You just tell your boss about six week traveling , and if she does not like it, quit your job. " How can I say such a stupid thing!?
I also had not told about my leaving to even my friend and my co-workers, so I had felt guilty for a long time.
(My stomach had like an Ursa?? because of it) 

Day after day I had felt guilty and sadness because all my friends, co-workers and chorus members are good people.
I was wait and wait for my husband's permission that I became to able tell my leaving to others, and we had fought a lot.
Because he did not understand my thought.

Finally, today I told my leaving to my co-workers. (my husband has not given me the permission, but I did it.) 
Now I can start to organize everything around me.
However the problem is we do not know where we go.
So these days annoy me.

It is like my life

I had been knitting a scurf for my daughter's birthday since about two weeks ago.
It had almost done last night, but I had not been happy about the shape.
However I could not stop to knit it because it was quite a big project for a beginner.
On the other hand, I was also looking forward to complete it.
because I could not see the whole shape until I would finished the cast off.
My husband said "Funny looking" and I thought same thing too.
But I said "It will be like this." with showed him the piece of cast off part.

I was thinking for a while, then suddenly decided to unfold it!
After that I became to cannot sleep, because the unfolding was as same as difficult with knit it.
I finally gave it up and went to sleep.

Last night we argued a bit about our future, and I realized that it was one of the stresses for me so far.
This morning, I thought "Unfolded complicated knitting" was like my present life.
Now we are planning a change, no, not "we" , he is planning it.
He is the main income person(?) for two of us, so his decision would be quite influent to our life. 
So he does not consider about my situation much.
However although English was not my first language, I finally got present part time job, and many friends from the group that I have joined, in this small town.
It means I feel that I have built a stable life compare to when I was in the big city before with poor English. I feel that I have done quite well here.
If we moved to next place, I would be miss everything, I feel.

But he says that I can gain lowest wedge, so my quitting would not be a big problem.
I might be getting old and do not like a change any more.
I might have to work out harder later.
Now I have lived very comfortably in this small town, so I have totally no idea what can I do at different place.
I was not like this before, and I feel I missed my enthusiasm. It is not good.

Glass Cat

As same as last week, it is terrible rain today and it is going to be storm this weekend too.
We were short of water last year, but I think it is probably enough so far.

This morning I went to the coffee meeting that was held by WINGS (Women's International Newcomer Groups).
And I met a lady there. She was sitting next me and was wearing cute cat glass pierces. I said to her "I love them." so she replied and said  "I made them." 

I immediately wanted to get them, because my daughter is a cat person and her birthday will come soon, so I thought they must be good present for her.

After the meeting, I went to the shop that the lady taught me before she left.
The shop was nice. There were many art stuffs in there.
I asked her amazingly "Did you make all of them?" So she said "No, we have (I forgot the number) many artists here."
And she showed me the workshop behind the shop.

There were many equipments there. Some artists do curving, some do glass art, some do knitting, some do sewing, and others do painting, and more.
And they sell their art things.
I was so interested in them and asked her for me to join them.
She said "Yes" with friendly smile and I was quite exciting.

Fortunately a glass cat pendant top was left, so I bought it.
I was worried about the price but it was not too expensive ($15).
I went back home and tried to wear it in front of the mirror, then out it in a small box.
I hope my daughter will like it.

Now

Now, I do not have anything that I want to do and buy, and anywhere I want to go.

I am happy to stay home.
I like this flat that I can see the nice view, the sky is clean and blue, birds are twitting, there are a lot of trees and green grasses, the weather is warm, the air is fresh, I have enough food and enough clothes, I do not feel lonely. 
What a perfect life....

So, now, I can think about others.
Until recent I had always been thinking about "Take" from something from somebody. I was always looking for the "Benefit".
I now started think about "Give".

The worst period was my age of 31 to 50.
When I think about "Give", how had I forgotten "Give Love" to my children!?
What made myself mad?
What I had been looking for?
I did not find anything eventually.

I was looking for someone who always be with me for avoiding a fear, money for avoiding fear to live and the future, an archiving for having confidence to myself, however I had forgotten about my kids. 
I am so disappointed with myself, but what I was able to do in those days as I was silly.

I now realized about "Give"  I can do it NOW, but not before.
My oldest daughter says that it is too late, and it is very difficult to get the feeling back, because mum is already not here.
When I think about her when she was kid (age ten), it is almost impossible to feel the same fear that she had with her in the meantime.

Ten years old girl had totally no idea that how to demand her needs to her father.
It sounds awful! I could never feel it before, but now I can feel. Then I regret it heaps. 
However I can not go back to that day, so now I am going to fill it up with all my best.
I am still looking for the way to do it, and I need to be considerable person, because she is , her heart is like a fragile china..
But if I were too consider, it would be worse, so it is very difficult for me.

I am usually very easy going and she is serious.
It will take for an ages, but I need to be careful at least I should not make anything worse.

When I think about my oldest, I be always negative! But I need to lead her as her mother, now.

February is just on the next corner

We had terrible storm last three days, and finally the sun came back this afternoon.
I did a lot of clothes wash today.

Tonight our, Whangarei Harmony Chorus, rehearsal will be start again and our next stage is 25th of February. For me, it takes two or three months to remember all songs ( about ten songs) for a stage, so I have completely no idea how can I remember the new songs for the next concert!  

Also another rehearsal for the musical that I passed the audition the other day will start from 13th of February, and it will be run three times a week!
I feel I am a real singer...
I love singing so I am glad about that I could have such opportunities to express myself. 

However I have a problem that we are going to move to our boat from this flat.
We are not sure, but my partner recently made a whole plan on the computer.
First, we have to collect some cardboard boxes, pack everything in them except things that we need for the minimum of daily life.
Next, move the boat to somewhere from the mourine (I cannot find this word.. it means a place that park a boat on a concrete brick, bit far from the beach).

Our boat is a small one, and does not have a shower and any electricities.
And we are going to go to our friends wedding and traveling from the boat!
It sounds very inconvenient for me.
But it will be a bit fun too.. I like those unusual experiences sometimes.
Because I will learn many way of make life convenient from the inconvenient situations, I hope.
However I feel tired physically and mentally, too. I think it is from my age, to be honest I do not want to change , but we have to.

So, up to the end of this month is my most relax time (in my life).
I had the most luxury time in my life in whole 2010 and I should be recharged enough energy, I hope.

In 2011 we will have a big change that moving to another place.
It is quite sad for me because I like this small town and people.

I thought I am now very  bored from this six weeks holiday.
I have thought it is TOO long for me.
Why I could not find something faster that I could avoid this boring?
It is too late to find them now. 
I mean, I wanted to find some bigger projects rather than small daily things.

During this holiday, I have visited some people, I have made dolls clothes, I have done knitting, and have done some more small things.
On the other hand, I was not well since after Christmas to recent.
So I had not tried any big thing. But once I got better, I started to think about big things even though I have known it takes long time to complete big things.

I think I am a very childish person. Recently it is getting worse...
The reason is probably my darling has spoiled me a lot.
Up to one year ago, I had to work for living myself or family, but after that my darling keep saying "You do not have to work hard, I can look after you."

However I have many things that I want to do, and it is difficult to stay home, I also need some my own money to doing something myself.
So I am always thinking to get a better job. I am now working 15 hours in a week and the wage is low because I am an unskilled.
If possible I would like to help our income but I do not have any particular skill, especially in English. ( I hate that I have still felt it)
All my unsatisfactoriness come from my laziness, I think.
If I want to improve my English skill to get a better position, I could be more avaricious (greedy?). But rather than that I have stayed in front of computer whole day long. I hate it.

I need write more?

It is a rainy day today.
I have stayed in front of my computer since I got up, and am reading Japanese blogs. It is not good at all.
I am now on my long summer holiday that is six weeks, during this holiday I wanted to try to snorkeling and I was waiting for the snorkeling goods that should be presented by my darling on my birthday. However he looks he is short of money.
Never mind, I can buy it myself.
But I do not want to go snorkeling myself. The ocean scared me.
I might can go to the beach and play around at shallow place.

I have another two weeks from now.
I normally go to the craft and knitting group on Tuesday and visit my English tutor on Wednesday, these are all my schedule so far. 
On Friday, I can attend a coffee chatting group in a cafe.

But from February I will be very busy.
My work will be start, the musical rehearsal will be start, singing rehearsal as well, moreover I might have to help fixing our boat, and our moving to the boat.
I cannot imagine how busy I will be.

My little dream so far is having our small own house. Even though it is very small, it is OK, even container house is fine. We can extend it later.
To be honest I do not like our boat very much because it is like a racing type boat, not like a house boat, so it is difficult to live in and messy.
It looks like hard work to clean it up and I will be struggle to work with.
So it is the best relaxing time for me now.

Today, I am going to go to the library later and am going to get some interesting books. I am a very slow reader in English, so I have to find VERY interesting books.
Ah.. I really feel I am waisting time right now. Rain makes me lazy.

11-1-'11

It is first of January in 2011=11-1-'11 Vicky mentioned to me, so I thought I have to do something special! However I have no idea.
I am getting calm today from awful yesterday. I could not sleep until 4 o;clock in  this morning.
If some good things happen, some bad things also happen at another side.
I was quite happy day before yesterday because I finally got a message from my oldest daughter. It was a simple message, but it was enough to made me happy.

I lost two weeks job, but instead I got another three weeks holiday.
I am going to help Migrant Center or WINGS during this summer holiday.
It might be better to help Blomfield  school however I am not good at Vanessa. (I do not know how can I explain with these feeling in English)
Because when I first worked with her in room 5, I just started work in Whangarei, and I was not good at English, moreover I did not know about names of equipments. I guessed she thought "This person, cannot speak English."
I felt she made me fool.

It is very difficult to get an understanding from people about myself. It takes long time to be together. Because I do not know variety of expressions with English talking. People never use same expression about explain similar things. It depends on people. They are not like talking in the text books at all.

(I hate that I have written these kind of topic on this special day!)
Oh! I just found a person corrected my entry for yesterday. I want to have a look, and also I wold like to go craft group soon. I am going to stop to write now.

It was not a happy day

I had prepared for TODAY! because I thought I had to get up earlier than usual for the Holiday Program.
I also missed two weeks pay.

This morning, when I got base school, Vanessa made confused face ans asked to me "Are you going to be a volunteer?" because my name was not on the staff list. I said No and waited Tangi's coming.
Vanessa tried to find out why my name was not on the list, but she was busy in the morning.
I worked for students, took a morning tea break, then worked again, took a lunch break, and worked again.
Finally, Vanessa said at 1 o'clock, I have not been payed. 
She said "If you want, you can stay the rest of day." I decided to stay.

It was not a good day at all, I was punched by a student, and I had to clean the mess that a boy had made! (However they are all lovely, so that is good.)

At 2:30, Tangi said to me " You are off, you can go home." I said "It was shame, but I won't come tomorrow..." She said so too.

I was not a good mood, so I went to a material shop and looked around some wools and materials. Eventually I bought some material for a doll clothes.
After I got home I did a knitting by I had bought before.
Then I got feel a bit better.
However I was thinking I could get extra money for two weeks. I was so disappointed about it.

It is going to be the last weekend of my holiday

Finally, it is the last Friday of my holiday today.
It was really similar to a Japanese New Year holiday.
I had a lot of food and now my stomach is very tired. I do not want to even see any chocolate so far.
This is from not only eating too much rich food. I have had unhappy stomach since year before last year, but I have not been to the doctor.
No, I actually went to the doctor however he was unreliable, said "You look very healthy" and had not done any examination for me.
I was disappointed about it, and I have never seen him after that.
I need to find another doctor, but I have no idea how to find good one.
Oh, I have joined WINGS (Women's International Newcomers Group) I can ask them!

I am working next two weeks  9am. to 3pm. so I have not much time.
I feel scare and look forwarding both.
Because the other day, when I visited my co-worker, Mandy, she said "At the holiday program, you go everywhere with students. Cinema, Tramping, Shopping, Restaurants and Swimming as well!" She knows I hate swimming.
"So you will be fit!"
I have not done ANY exercise on this holiday, so I am scared to do some sports. 
But I am also looking forward to see the students and the co-workers again.

2011

It is already third of January. I have not done anything last two days, because I am not well. My tongue is still strange and recently my stomach is also unhappy. 
However I am a bit well now from good sleep last night.

I have felt homesick, because Japanese new year is very similar to European Christmas. I have not done any event from my culture for a quite long time. 
Now I have remembered about my childhood. Japan changed a lot since I was a kid, but we still keep going some of our New Year events that "Oh-souji"(clean the house property by the end of the year) " Osechi" (Japanese traditional New Year food) or New Year decoration around house.

And I missed "Rice cake" very much. It is called "Rice cake" but it is not sweets. 
I love it! We do not eat it usually, we eat it particularly new year. 
I am looking for the ingredients here but have not found them yet.
The rice cake is made from a kind of rices.

By the way, I have to read more books this year, because my English writing skill does not improve at all since I stopped to visit my tutor. 
Recently, when I had organized my stuff, I found a heaps of papers that were for English grammar study from my previous tutors.
And I realized they had never worked.
Because, for me, they were as same as Japanese grammar to Japanese students who already can understand basic or foundation of Japanese. 
Japanese grammar teachers teach Japanese grammar means the students can built up their  grammar skills.
However I did not have foundation of English language.

It is not from text books at all. I mean babies learn their language from their parents, family or people around them.
So I might can write an essay for a difficult topic (even though I make many grammars mistakes), I can not say very easy things, for example "Put it away" or "Can you take that for me?" Because English text books for adults never tell us such easy things for using dairy conversation often.  

I might talk with people more than read books. I have known it since long time ago but I still can not get many opportunities for the talking.
Somebody say, learn new language skill is depends on good ears.
I am listening the radio often, but it is difficult to pick sentences from there.
It means I have not good ears!?
Anyway my learning takes ages and ages. I will study this year too.