Still still

I am still thinking about my daughters.
Because I said to them "I will try to go to NZ for six months and will make sure there is good place to live or not."  So all my daughters were keep asking for a long time when I will be back to Japan.
I said when I can get my permanent residency, then the residency will be complete two years later, bra bra.... 

During waiting the residency, I could back to Japan and I should be work hard to get the job which is enough to live my own. So they were happy, I think.
(Today, my English is terrible because I am so tired and cannot consider about grammar.)
When I separated from my darling, my eldest looked happy.. not really, she looked like a winner. (She hates every men who close to me.)
But after I backed to my darling, she really hated me.
She always wants to protect me from everything and if I do not need her help, she is unhappy. I see. She wants my attention. (Yes! it is the best answer.) But why? Is she crazy?

Although she got married with nice husband, she still needs love from mother.
She is probably lack of love of parents, No! We (my first husband and I ) broke her heart a lot. However how long does it take to recover.
Maybe it will never recovered for ever? That is sad.

I am still thinking what can I do for her. If possible I would like to back to Japan and stay there for a year, have a cup of tea with her often, go travelling together often, chat together often.......? That is stupid idea!
She does not need physical help any more, instead, needs mental help, but how?

As I said, I am a awkward mother, so I have not any good idea yet.
Oh! why I am similar to my mum about it! We have done same things.
My mum, after she moved to rural town, we did not see each other often, so she sometimes sent me presents but I did not like them.
I liked just some money that was in the envelope with the present and I never used her present. (I just left them somewhere in my house, and later through them away to somewhere. What a bad daughter I was?)

Well, what can I do for her? She refuses phone call, she once refused any present, but now it is maybe OK. (no phone call yet.)
And why I have to worry about her too much? (Why I have to worry about let her get angry, I mean. I am her mum, not her younger sister or daughter, so why? Is she too old as my daughter? Am I too young as a mum? I do not know. )

In my mind, same thought run around over and over, so I might have to stop to think. However I think it is better thing then do not think about any of her.

My NZ life is happy imperfectly, that is OK. My life is always not perfect whatever. And I need to try to be happy perfectly. I have believed this kind of thought influences to others for sure. (ahhh! what a bad English. I am disappointed to myself.)