I should not have any stress. However, why I am so mentally tired sometimes.
Everything should be clear. I have no trouble, I am believing so.
Maybe it is time to make everything clear.
I sometimes think about the reason to came to New Zealand.
I was not sure what I was thinking about during I left Japan.
As my oldest said, I probably escaped from everything. Particularly my job.
After I became a nurse, I really enjoyed my job, however relationship with co-workers were always not very good. I think, I did not know how to handle it.
In New Zealand, especially in Whangarei (my present environment) all people are not wondering about me. It is very comfortable.
In Japan, I was a very unusual person and people around me were always watching me to what to did, do and will do next.
I could not keep my privacy. One of the causes was the location of my house.
Another cause was even I was single...
In Japan, we have many causes which are annoy us.
I recently thought we do not have enough personal space in Japan, too many people there.
My life in NZ is much easier and comfortable. We can have our own spaces.
Nobody do not care about neighbours or co-workers private life.
So, my oldest daughters thought was right. I escaped from them.
It is fine.
Now, what about family. Did I escape from my family too?
Maybe I did it half. Because I had to look after at least my mother and my cat.
Those were my responsibility. But they both past away.
My oldest might get angry about them?
What about my daughters. As my sister or others say, they are all grown up.
Maybe it was a good chance for separate from mother?
If I were there longer, I would have more trouble, I guess.
And it would be obstruct their independence.
When I think about my daughters, my middle might be OK as she lived with me longest. And my youngest maybe.
People make mistakes. For me, biggest mistake was the first marriage. I was too young to be a mother. And later my oldest became an adult as fast as me.
We are not like mum and child. Our age difference is maybe too small.
She had many experience while we had separated. I have never known.
So the attitude as a mother is not appropriate especially for her.
However she always said that children cannot chose a home which they born.
It means she is an unlucky person? I do not want to think so.
She has her own strengths that nobody has. My sister said she is an unusual person. Oh, my god! She probably most similar to me.
I just hope her happiness.
I think I could think about them much more than before from far place.
If I stayed Japan, most trouble made me unconcern. (I am sure this sentence does not make sense.) I could not make right decision if some trouble happened. I had to slow down. Too many things annoyed me before.
I do not know when I can get away from this stuck.
Now a thing which I can do is just Be positive, and never show negative attitude to my daughters, because it makes them anxious. I need to stand positively.
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