My Birthday and the day of last of this year

It is 31st December, finally! I cannot believe I turned to 54.
I think I will not feel any impression about rest of 50s.

Today we are going to Whale Bay that Zela's recommendation.
Last night I saw the photo of there and it looked so beautiful, so I am glad about I can spend my birthday there.

I finally realized recently, it takes long time to restore our relationship between my daughter and me. What I can do is just spend time.
I cannot do anything fast. Because it took long time to broke the relationship so it takes longer to fix it. However I will not give it up. 

It is OK. One day we can enjoy the chatting with a cup of tea for sure.
It might take ten years or more, it is OK...

2010 Think fo Family

This year will be finished soon. (My English does not improve much..)

Yesterday I thought my life is quite long. When I was on the boat, I was looking the far land then I immediately remembered old days that I was 18 or 19.
I was already a mum at my 20s'. I felt I was very old.
Nowadays 20s' girls are very young. If I were more clever or considerable person, I would not get married at such a young age. 
I could enjoy my own life, I could do much more things that I wanted to do.
I feel I wasted many years for terrible marriage, not for kids.
My kids are my treasure from God even though they have never thought so.

How about Me, for my parents, especially father? We had not seen each other.
How was mum? I really feel I had not talked with her at all.
I wanted to talk about more things with her, about her life, hobbies, love, or more.
I feel it is time to forgive my parents, because I am old enough.
When I go to Japan, I am going to go mum's grave with my sister.
It must be beautiful time of the year in April.
And fortunately my grand parents and ankle are sleep in same place with my mum.

How is dad? I sent a Christmas card to for him but no reply so far. I am just started to worrier about him a bit. He is 79 now.

Anyway, I am still not well. I have unhappy stomach, tongue of course, and fatigue.
I know I need some exercise but I cannot, too tired.
I sometimes feel better, just few times. I hope it causes from menopause.  

Next year I will try harder to restore our family bond... I will...

Christmas time

I have not written this blog for a long time, I feel.
I was busy for many things; singing, parties, shopping, cleaning, washing...

We had rain last ten days and eventually we had the sun today!
So I had to do a lot of washing. Our house was humid and yucky!
And we had heaps of ants on the kitchen counter, then I bought an ants killer liquid for $27! but I did not have to use it. Most of them went back to their nest.   

I still have some problems about my oldest daughter and a bit with my youngest.
I hope they will understand me one day.
I realized that I have not given any mentally help for them when they wanted.
No, I gave some, I am sure, there were but not enough for them.
Am I a bad mum? I have just not known HOW TO LOVE my significant others. 
Those from my mother, however I have lived for more than fifty years, so I cannot say so, although it was mother's (not only mum, my parents) fault.

I need to find myself how to love my important people.
My oldest said " DO you know how do you make me happy?" No I do not.
I have to think about that, it is my weakest point, I mean I am not good at thinking how to make people happy.

Anyway, it is Christmas time now, and I first realized it is the biggest event for Christian. I had never known that! It is same as "NEW YEAR event" in Japan.
People prepare many presents and food for their family and friends who come over from near and far places. I remembered about Japanese New Year and got a little bit home-sick.

By the way, it takes long time to recover from my TRAUMA since I was child. 
I never want to do same mistake over and over. Jesus said, "Always not too late" I want to believe it. I was really BAD person before almost crazy. 
But once I found the way of live better, I should keep continue although many temptations are around me all the time.
I think reading bible is a good idea to find a way to go ahead of my life.
And I am really glad to met my darling who is basically Christian.

So, now Christmas is a quite important event for me. I would like to celebrate it with my family. I might be a weak person who needs Christ's  help.
I am also glad to know Christianity, and I am appreciated to my grand mother father side who taught me Christianity.  

An Isolation

I still feel an isolation from others with English.
Or it is from my character, maybe.
I am too childish and too out going person. Some people do not like it.
Recently I have looked back my previous life and think, It was so bad.
I did a lot of stupid things that I do not want even remember.
I feel I do not grow up. I might have a mental illness.
Who said? all people have mental problems, oh that was my counselor in Wellington.
But I always want to be an ordinary person, I do not like been unique.
Then I can be normal and sometime feel an isolation from people of majority.
Who gave me such a funny character? Where it came from? 
I have never seen any person like me. (Came to overseas alone after 50s' and left children in home country) I have NEVER seen!
I should ask Zela tomorrow?
So, I cannot accept myself sometimes.
However I do not think belong to majority is better than unique.
Life is just once and it is mine.
I am pretty sure I should not have children. They are surviving much more than other kids who have normal parents.
Did I give them suffering? My parents might gave me a suffering but I was too easy going and did not realize about it. I might be a fool person.

It is 1am. now. I have to go to bed. But I cannot go to sleep recently.
My brain works harder then my body. And things are getting worse.
It is probably a seasoning disease. (Spring time)
And I do not think my darling can help it. I know it is my problem but I am still looking for some one who can help my mental completely.
Am I not independent? The answer is maybe "Yes!"
I am always worried about people around me, what are they thinking about me?
I just want to be involved majority people. (My darling described that "A flower on the wall")

Never mind, I really need to go to bed now.

How Happy

In this World, there are many lonely and poor people there.
The other day my friend, Aya said that when she is down she tries to help people instead be helped.
Till now I have been helped from many people, so from now I am going to try to help others.
I had always looked for benefits from others, and I am very happy now, but this happiness has built from other's efforts, I think.
I also made many people sad and my ways of making people sad were quite cruel.
I do not know where I learned it from.
Others around me also hurt me cruelly?  but they were probably not on purpose.
I was just unlucky.
I think it is time to consider how to communicate better with people who are important for me.
I was before keen to coop with people who were not important to me. They sometimes tried to take something from me, but I never realized that.
Some people who really thought about me kindly, tried me to realized how important myself is. But I did not understand it.
I just followed bad people. It was sometimes fun but I also lost many things.
Now they were all gone and I will not close them.
Sometimes I remember about them and try to find them from old days, but it is stupid! If I did it, I would miss all my important things again.
How to stand firmly. I cannot drift any more because now I have many important things which I should not miss.
It is time to think.
How do I make my life better and how do I protect my significant others.
What is the most important thing in my life?
Recently I just found a tip of them and have to try to not miss it.

Recent

I stopped to learn English although my English is not good enough.
I stopped to play tennis.
I stopped to sing songs at home (I sing just at chorus).
My thought has already looked my next future.
I think my life travel never stop till I died or when I cannot move myself.
My mind is always not here, always looks further way.
Why I cannot stay at same place?
I never know what will happen next. I might be very very optimistic person.
Because who knows about tomorrow, it does not make sense that worry about tomorrow.
So I do things that just I have to do.
I might lose my aim for near future, because I do not have anything that I have to do so far.

Before, I was always thinking " I have to something" but now I do not.
Maybe I got to use to New Zealand life style.
New Zealand people do not worried about their future often, I think.
Something happen, then do something for them, nothing happen, then do anything.
Maybe In Japan, we have much more crises.
In here, have a job, any job, I can alive, I hope.
If I do not have job, I have unemployment benefit, then I can alive.
But in Japan, we cannot. Nobody help me and I would suddenly be in trouble to live.
It is awful isn't it!
I can be much more optimistic here. That is enough reason for the moving.
( I think my English is not improving.)

Recently, I just spend time and day without do anything.
I should find a next aim. What shall I do? But I cannot start anything at this moment for ready to next moving, so it looks like I am stuck. But it is not too bad.
I still enjoy everything.
I had never felt such feeling before. (I do not have to do anything) How happy and lucky me!
I hope this is a time for charging my energy to next big moving if it will come.
I am very optimistic now.
(My brain does not work very well. I forget everything quick. too bad.)
Maybe I have to start new thing that I "HAVE TO DO" I don't know.

Anyway, I missed an aim for my life. (I mean I am very happy now, but I might have to do something.)

Miss Saigon

Today I got a part of a chorus for the musical "Miss Saigon" which I had the audition the other day. I am so glad!!
I am going to say Thanks to Zela tomorrow.

I have great times every 12 years so far, and it is going to be year after next year, but if I think about it "Kazoe-dosi" it is going to be next year.
It is like a rail for a roller coaster, and now I am on the nearly top.
After that my life will be on a down hill again, LOL.
It is OK because I already had enough happiness in my life.

Yes, from now, I might have to give thanks back to people who gave me a lot of great gifts to my life. I will write a Christmas card to my father first.
Unfortunately my mum past away by an out of blue.
However she had a bit like a dementia.. poor mum. So it was good time to go to the heaven and see her family again. I hope she is happy there.

I still have not found what my life for. But I found a tip of it, and it might be "GIVE THANKS to others"
Till now (up to now?) I am always "TAKING" from people. I now have my "AFFORD" (not money, time afford) to my life, so I can work for people.
What I can do?
I got a part in the musical, or sing in the WHC, I can give a joy to people. (I hate my English! I cannot explain very well)
I mean they are probably one of my role in my life. (Ooh! it is a surprise! I did not think about it before.)

I hope if I can enjoy my life, people around me also enjoy their life.
That is all I can do so far. Mayumi in big SMILE.

About the Future

Yesterday my darling got a letter for the citizenship and it takes another three to six months to confirm. However it was a very good news.
He says that he still loves Wellington but I really prefer Whangarei.
It is no way. It is not any better job for him here, so we have to move whatever.

He is going to give the notice about his leaving neat year and it should be given before two months, so his quitting will be fastest March.
I am going to continue my work till the end of March.
It is just my plan that I talked with Aya last night ; Then we will move to the boat and travel to Japan and The US.
After coming back, I have no idea yet. It depends to how my darling find job in the mean time. We need to have more conversation about where we move next.

I had believed that Australia is absolutely BETTER place because Mark kept saying so. But thought about the weather, welfare, every other things, who can tell it is the better place? I like New Zealand. But Aus is just good for make money, however if we live there for ten years or more, we have to consider about more.

It is time to go now. I will talk about it with my darling for taking time.

With My Darling

I was thinking he was grumpy to ME, but today I thought he has got another cause too, so I had a bit sense of security.
He says that people here are stupid, intellectual level is low. He said that he talked about boy racers. I said that boy racers everywhere.
I guess he is very unhappy about his current job.
He also keeps saying that he does not like here, even he hates here.
But I like here much better than Wellington.
However if he really want to back to Wgtn, that is OK. I just follow him.
But as he says Porirua region would be fine, not Lower Hutt, not New Town.

Because I was so bad, always complained to everything ; he, work, coldness... 
I love Wellington itself, it is a compact city, I particularly loved water front.
But to me, Wgtn is just a temporary place, and tough enough. 
He says Wgn is smarter than here, I agree. But people are not friendly.

Just earlier, I read a comment to my twitter from my new mixi friend who lives in Sweden. She said that in there, winter time, the sunrise is after 9 o'clock and sunset is 3pm!! She said it is tough. If I were her I would be depress... 
I also read some comments in a community that named "Teisyu Genki de Rusu ga II"
Most wives in the community have got some complain to their husbands, but some wives also think Thanks to their husbands. Today Zela said "Marriage is give and take"  
Zela lost her husband in 1991 by his cancer and after two years she felt loneliness, but after that she found "Comfortableness" that she had been own.   
I think women have two types, one is like Liz in Wings ; can not do anything herself, and another one is ; does not care, can do anything herself.

I sometimes like be belonged, but mostly time like having my space.
Living my own is tough. Live someone else is much easier.
But as Zela said "Give and Take" and we have to be patient to something.
And I should know feel thanks more than complain makes my life better.
(I am tired today too, so I have not cared about any grammar mistake)

I need to be SMILE as possible as I can. So everything will be fine.
But I am a stubborn person, so once I lost my smile, it takes long time to take it back! same as singing. How long I have not sang any Japanese song?!
I hate "Sing for him" "Keep my hair long for him"
If I WANT, I will do, if I don't want, I won't do. How I am a stubborn!
Maybe from my age....

I Cannot Sleep Tonight

I do not know why, I do not want to go to bed tonight.
I know, I will be tired tomorrow and I am sure I will be disappointed to myself tomorrow too, but I do not want to go to sleep, just tonight.
(I am going to make another cup of tea for me now)
Oh, no! I have not finished my tea yet. It had gone cold.

Recently I am happier than before a little bit, because sometimes my oldest daughter is looking my mixi diary even though she still has blocked my contact to her mixi diary. That is fine!
And I am particularly happy today as I found a nice material for my Christmas tapestries which are for my three daughters. 
The material, color is snow white and it is exactly much for another colors.

I think, my life travel has never stopped.  I want to stop it, I mean I want to be stable, no more roller coaster, no more up and down.
But probably if my life is flat, it would not be fun at all.
However, no more coaster, just graduate sliding is enough.
I could suspect, still more interesting things will be happen later in my life, and I hate them now. A peaceful life is perfect. (maybe it is a lie..)

I just realized that I would like to be normal, just like an ordinary person.
Yes, I remembered, the other day Zela said that I am an interesting person and I thought so too, but I hate it.. 
I want to be a very ordinary wife and mother, nothing should not happen in my life for ever.....(What a boring life! but now I like it.)

Today I thought my darling is boring. He says that I am funny, but I am not be funny on purpose. I always try to be an ordinary person but I can't. 
For example, an ordinary person does not wake up till such midnight.(Really?!)
What is an ordinary person look like?
I might be a very ordinary person.
And who and how to make our life more colorful?

When I think about my darling, I would like to put more colors on his faded screen, or it might be too much care, I mean he does not need it. 
He says that I am a sail and the boat cannot go without sail.
But I do not think I am a sail. If he is the boat, I am... now I am an anchor. Oh, too bad! I keep him stuck. And he also stops me at same place, but I sometimes like it. Oh, how can we move to next place?
The cause is I do not want a change. I like here, I like people here, the environment here and I do not want to change anything.
I am building my new life here slowly but he does not like here.
So we are like magnet. I think later we will be go to a bad situation again.

How to prevent it this time?
Am I strong enough? Is he strong enough? Can we go beyond a big wave?
I always have some troubles and they are coming day after day.
Now, it is really time to ready go next. I have to have my firm thought in my core of my mind. And I might have it, but not sure how to express it.
I want to have a strong opinion for my life.
"I want to be... I want to be...." if I am thinking so always, they will come to me?

The other day my mixi friend YUI said so to me too.
Yes, I do not stop, just go ahead, no looking back.
I am a....yes! as YUI said big engine. I will pull the boat if we do not have any wind! Therefore I always can not find a right guy. My right guy must not stubborn. I can not sail with stubborn person, I can sail with only flexible person!
And unfortunately I can not change people, so I need to change flexible. 
When I think about myself, I am the most stubborn person!

The Old Days

I need to go to bed because it is 12:40am. now.
I was going to try to sleep but at last I got up again and came in front of the computer. bad, bad...

If I can start over my life, I would be back at age 16.
And I hoped I was much clever when I was in that time.
However life is always difficult to change, and I am just flowed by the current.
(I will write rest of this story later, if I would not forget it)

I cannot remember when I found my interesting to the overseas. 
Let me try to remember... I wanted to go to Australia when I got second married.
Then I started saving extra money from my part time work.
And I was thinking when my saving got 1,000,000yen, I intended to surprise my husband, and took my family to Great barrier leaf. I was 35 or 36, just started my part time job as a health care assistant in a hospital.

When I was a nursing student, I had not thought about go to the overseas.
I was 39. But I was interested in listening English.
I was watching ER and that was my most favorite TV program.
My curiousness to English began at same time of started to do nursing and started to watch ER. I was thinking Emergency room nurse is absolutely COOL!
And the TV program, all ER stories were speedy, sometimes there were love romance, and all roles of the actors and the actresses looked so clever. I wanted to be like them. 

I also cannot remember when I decided to study English. It was not before get inter the nursing school.  Let me think...when I first went to Australia I was still not interested in English. My friend suggested me to bring at least English books, even just a travel English book. I used just a sentence from the book that was  "May I take your picture?" The one sentence covered whole trip of New Caledonia.

In 2003, I went to Melbourne, I did not care about I could not speak any English, but when I talked Steve's father, he was a very nice person and I had no idea what can I say Thanks to him. Since then I have thought can speak English is much advantage to talk range of people in the world.

Finally, I came to New Zealand for learning English.
( I became sleepy. I will write rest of the story later)

An Ordinary Days

"Have a good weekend, see you."
How many times have I said it to my coworkers?
Each week goes very fast, and another week will come soon.
Friday is the most relaxing day and I like Friday evening.
It has been bright until after eight o'clock recently, so the days are felt longer. 

I wonder how do my coworkers spend their time outside of the school. 
The other day I asked Mandy about her hobby.
She has got a pony and she loves it.
She spends her free time with her children and the pony. All her kids like the pony too. I would like to see her pony some day.

Another teacher who is my coworker too, she is renovating their house with her husband. I hope she would invited us to the new home after the renovation finished.

All my coworkers are typical New Zealand people, I think.
Most of them stay at home in weekends, and probably do some gardening.
For example, Mandy, she says she does just housekeeping and relax for the weekends. Sometime she goes out with her kids.

I like stay in nature, for example I love sitting outside, on the grass or on a chair with a cup of tea, and reading a book, or sitting on a beach would be perfect.
Therefore my ordinary days pass fast!
Now I am in happiest days in my life, the nature is fantastic here and I do not have to been busy so far.
 

Life

I just earlier thought I was cutting my nails on purpose because I do not want to see my father any more. 
I still hate him and it has some reasons which I do not want write it down here.
Sometimes I think real father and a daughter do not contact each other is sad.
But for a long time men scared me because of him.
And I did not know men should protect women.
That is why I might protect me myself. 

I also still do not like my name because it was given by him.
Men who called me by my name were only two, one was my father and other was my previous boyfriend;I had never loved him.

I hate the sound of my name. I have always wanted to change my name.
Oh, I just realized be called my name in English sounds not too bad.
I can hear it "mei(may)-you-me" and I like it.

I could not find right men because I did not make any expectation of protection form men, I think. I did not know what was men's role.
I was just lonely so it did not matter that what kind of men they were; unkind, agree, poor, etc.
What was men to me? I had no idea. They were just stay around me.
So my previous marriage did not have any reason, therefore they ought to be broken, boyfriends as well.

What the reason to get marry with especially someone?
Maybe no reason.
I now feel happy when I find my darling at the entrance when he comes back from work and it is a small thing, but it happens every days and important for me. My father was not like that. We did not see him every day.
I also did not see the nice talking with my mum and dad at the evening time.
I guess my mother was very quiet person and I am wondering she might did not have even any friend.
It is sad that I do not know anything about them; mother and father.

My grand parents, mother side, loved each other because they always looked happy when I visited them. Lots of laugh and talking. 
How do I know what was wrong with my mum and dad.
I am pretty sure that my personality made from them since my child age.
And it influenced whole my previous life, then I always choose wrong husbands. 

This is my third marriage with my darling.
So I really need to make sure he is my right person.
However it is almost impossible to find exactly right person and I think a marriage life should be built every day together.
We need understand each other and if we can not make it up, we need discussion each time.
Today I talked with my friend on the phone until late, so it is after 12:30am. I got tired and have to go to bed now.
I cannot finish my diary often.

A Fight

Today we had a fight about toilet.
A way of cleaning the toilet in the boat.
I could not believe that my daring put his hand in the toilet bowl and wash it by a sponge.(Even I could not stand it!)
After that he wash the sponge in the kitchen sink. 
I could understand because that was the only way which he could do in the boat.
(Actually NOT, He could use a bucket instead of the sink.)
Moreover he wiped up around the sink by same sponge.
At last he took an another sponge to wash in and around sink (that was whole kitchen), but he had not washed his hand yet.
I was so upset about that, it was like an end of the world!

He claimed he was right because it is his boat (special!), nobody use the toilet except he and me, and it was "rough clean", so we can co cleaning properly later. "Just rough cleaning" he said strongly.  
I understand his thought that it is his boat and difference from a house.
I asked him that if I wash our house toilet by a sponge and use the sponge to the kitchen, are you happy about that?
He said that house and my boat are different, my boat is like my girlfriend, so I treat her like that.
I did not care how important the boat for him or not.

Then I said, if he will not stop to do it, I will never go for sailing with him! 
To me, any boats are same, and boats are same as houses.
(He sometimes has visitor on his boat, too. It could be worse.)
And, to me, I could never stand his way of cleaning on the boat.
All toilets are toilets, just toilet!  Toilet could never been use for cook. 

And I understood his thought that after rough cleaning, I can do proper cleaning with some special detergent.He said so.
But even though the sponge which was used to toilet, should never use to any kitchen for a rough cleaning. I can not stand even rough. I will be mad!

Today I thought this kind of problems are not even our characters, but also our different culture.
For example, some European people would never surprised about the way of his cleaning. However I am sure all Japanese will be gone mad. 

It probably is not a big deal. Not many people have not got sick often.
However this kind of cleaning makes Japanese absolutely MAD! 

The way of clean is not whole perts of him. But might be a bit issue.

(tonight, I can not awaking any more. I will finish it laterr..

Recently

Recently I have been busy and a bit tired.
I am making Christmas presents for my daughters, I have to practice songs for the Christmas concert hard, and what...?

I am thinking about many things. For example, face soap, moisture, earring,my daughters, traveling, my darling's citizenship, and my further work, etc.
I do not know why I do not have enough time to do everything.
I used have time to do something although I was a full time worker.
Probably I used my sleeping time for the things that I wanted to do.

However, now I need eight hours sleep to keep my health. I can not believe how have I been unhealthy than before.
Not unhealthy, maybe lazy, or get tired easy.  I am always thinking about some exercise, but I CANNOT. I am so weak now. Maybe from menopause?
And maybe all of them are my excuses? But it is true that I am very tired.
How can I get my strengths back?

I might do too much focus to my family now and I have been left my significant others who is now sleeping in the bed earlier than me.. 
But it is the time to sort my family problem, I think.
I really really want to keep good relationship with my family. I have keep broken it for a long time, and when I realized I live far away from them, I just started to think about it.  
I do not want to be like my mother, never.
I had not known about her at all, and I do not want my daughters to be like me.
I want to talk with them more until I died.
Not such further plan, if possible I want to eat meal or go out with them again.
And I hope my darling will be include in those events, too.

I am not sure but I also did not like mum's new family and I felt isolation all the time. Yes, I might wanted to talk with my mum more.
I want to know what was she look like, I mean, her character, her life, her point of view and more. She was very clumsy and lonely person, I think.  And gave it up to talk with us. But I do not want to give it up with my daughters.

One day, we will gather and enjoy chatting with whole family like my darling's family, I hope. And we will make a lot of memories, I mean a lot of fun.
I am sure, our like should be full of laughter. No loneliness, no solitary any more.

Always something happen

I decided to back to Japan in April 2011.
I am looking forward it but today I got a message from my youngest and she says that her husband has been upset about my eldest, her husband and me.
He was thinking we, three people made a fool of him, and if we would not apologies him, he does not want to see us any more, moreover he does not want to me to see my grandson.

Since my youngest got pregnant, I was always their friend side. He might misunderstand me, I hope.
However during they built their new family, I was not there (I had been away to NZ) so, instead of me, his mother looked after them. He might be upsetting about it.
I do not care about that I can not see my grandson, because he, my grandson, does not know even me. But I feel sorry about my youngest a lot.
It will take long long time for he to understand me, or he will never understand me.
Because his mother loves him a lot, then gives many things to him, but I don't.
Should I look after my son in law as well as my daughters?
Yes, maybe my unwelcome attitude made them unhappy. I am a really awkward mum and mother in law,too.

When I am thinking about, I have never invite them to a meal. It is really bad.
But when I was in Japan, I did not have such a habit. 
We were looked like a crazy family, the house is always dirty, I was not at home in the night often, and still I can not afford to do anything for them.
But that is ME.
I was and am busy enough to keep the relationship with my real daughters.

Also when I am thinking about my mother, my previous husbands were not very happy to stay around her. Yes! guys need guys. I did not have husband.
But it should not be an excuse... The problem was ME.

I will just pray. Everything will be get well by next spring, I wish!

Old Friends

I wanted to continue more sawing, but why New Zealand's lights are so dark?
I could not see the moving of my needle any more after sunset, then I had to give it up.
Instead, I called to my old Japanese friend who I have known since I was 18.
Her name is Keiko and I call her "Kei-chan"
Last night, I also called to my another old friend.(Hina)
When I first met her, her daughter was 3 or 4, but now the daughter is 15.
I was so glad about Hina's daughter finally started to talk. She lost her word since she was small. (She can talk but she did not want to talk with anybody else for a long time.)
They both had stroke and nearly died.

Today I was thinking about my relatives who were my uncles.
My uncle father side, named Satoshi. And another uncle mother side named Masatoshi. I just realised their names were similar.
They were very kind to me, so different from my mum and dad.
My mother and father were always fighting so our family did not laugh often.
And my younger sister was six years difference from me, so we did not talk each other in that days because she was at age 1 to 7 or 8.
I was a teenager and how we could talk about common interest...she was too young.

I liked talk with my grandparents and uncle in mother side.
My grand parents and my uncle lived close and they were happy family. It helped me. My mother, my sister and I visited them every summer or New year.
My grand father called me "Doyagai-no-Maayan" that meant Maayan in the slum.
And who could imagine the small Maayan would moved to New Zealand and lived with American husband later!?
Now they (My grand parents, mother and uncle) have slept in same grave.

Anyway, Kei-chan was so surprised about me to live in NZ. 
I had believed that I was in a middle class, but when I think about myself, I was always poor. I did not graduated university. I did not have any particular skills until I entered to a nursing school when I was 39.
I was silly and always got lost in my life and had completely no money unless just feed.
However the lower level people in Osaka, they have warm hearts and friendly.
Although we have not seen each other for an ages, once we start to talk, we can share our feeling easy and it is not be felt long time.. xxx (I cannot express correctly.)

Kei-chan said "You become happier and happier."
Tonight I was also thinking about my life since I was young. I did any kind of job even though I felt embarrass to myself. Otherwise I could not feed my children.
I worked just for alive.
My daughters do not know about the detail, but that is fine because it was my fault.
Kei-chan also said "You had always chosen wrong people and struggled for not even money but also mentally. But now, how did you find such a nice person!? I am glad." 
I said "Maybe I am getting old and became much calm..."

I will likely find a better feeling later that a peaceful and tranquillity mind.

Where is the best to live

http://www.radionz.co.nz/news/national/61184/nz-third-in-world-for-quality-of-life-un
According to this article, New Zealand is the third country in the world for the quality of life. I want to say aloud "Look at this!" to my family and friends in Japan.
Japan is too developed for everything, education, medical and too much information.
Too much study, too much homework and too much presser let the even primary students make suicide.
Too much medication makes the life expectancy longer, but probably a quality of life is behind.
And too much information make people anxious.

Some people oppose me and say Japan is the best country to live. It is right to people who have never seen other countries.
But my point of view, Japan has too much population in the small country and they do not have enough own space, and it makes people unhealthy mentally, I think.
Human beings need enough nature that clean air, blue sea and a lot of green.
Japan is lack of these things.

Anyway, when I first saw the sky in Australia, I was very impressed about the wonderful colour. I had never seen such a beautiful sky in my life.
And I had also never seen the clear sea water in Japan, before I first saw it in New Zealand. 
I really like New Zealand better than Japan. The life is much slower and the nature is very beautiful. To me it is a paradise here. I am so happy.

Recent

http://www.rieti.go.jp/jp/columns/a01_0053.html

http://www.rieti.go.jp/en/columns/a01_0053.html

It is a fabulous story above about how Japanese are not good at English. 
I cannot believe my friend has been struggling for more than three years to get right score for an English exam.
She has decent nursing experience and just needs a bit more English skills.
It is very shame.

Some of Japanese are not interested in overseas at all and want to stay whole their life in Japan. I cannot believe it.
Japanese should have a look world widely and need to know their common sense is not the best one in the world. However I can encourage Japanese culture to other countries because it is so nice, but is is not the best as well.

Today I went to play tennis and met Pat (Nile's wife). She said that New Zealand schools need to invite more Japanese teacher and the students need to know about how different Japanese culture and New Zealand one. 
Because New Zealand people do not know how Japanese live in their dairy life, for example "How to get into the house." The answer is "Take your shoes off the entrance."
I introduced about how do we wash dishes. (We do not keep the water in a sink, instead we use running water. It might be waste the water.)

I am always interested in how and what do other countries people do in their dairy life. I know a litter bit but I have not known a lot yet.
It is interesting is not it!?
I would like to know about international food too, or clothes, yes, there are culture. We could never know if we just travel around short time.

I am so tired last few weeks. Because I went to bed after 12am. last few weeks I think. I try to go to bed early.
But if I can afford to do more things I am glad about that. Finally I want more than 24 hours in a day! Maybe every ten years I get a funny mental sick?, named "I don't want to waste any time syndrome" 
It looks like my mother. She had sometimes high tension I remembered.. but not often like me. Mine is worse.

Once I start to do something that is VERY interesting thing, It is hardly stop.
I need to calm down.. I am going to follow my darling. However he is not a strong leader. We might decide everything together. I like it.

The Aim of came to NZ

I was thinking why I came to New Zealand for a long time recently.
Then, this morning I finally remembered why.
I wanted to LIVE in NZ as same as Japan.
So my aim has completed.
And I realised that live in NZ is much better compare to Japan.

The nature is very beautiful, air is clean, sky is blue, sea is blue too, many green around me and most difference is own space is much wider!
Sometime people ask me "Do you miss Japan?" I say "NO" I only miss my daughters. If they were here with me I would be very happy.
I really want to show them this wonderful environment.

After I came here, and hear from some Japanese about the life in Japan, they surprise me. Japan is a stressful country.
Nowadays even small children make suicide, it is sad.
People in Japan, I think they are very busy.
(I just have to do laundry now! I will write the rest of this story later.)

A Change

I feel a change.
I will be finish my on-line course soon, I stopped my English lessons with John, Zela started to teach again and my darling finally applied to the citizen-ship.
The happiest thing is that I got use to talk with people in English recently.
I will go to a next step with my darling in 2011. How exciting!
(However I still need Zela's help to get more confidence for the talking.)

Today my darling said that his life travelling has not done yet. And I felt I am glad to do it with him. We are not alone any more.
The other day he said "I need a sail. I cannot go without a sail." I was thinking  his engine is big enough for him to sail alone. But it was not. It means he also changed a lot. He is not a single-hand sailor of his life any more. I am so glad.

I really think we are now in a harmony.
I do not know what was wrong before. Many causes made us mad.
But we worked out hardly. (I feel THANKS to Aya!)
If Aya did not say anything about us, our relationship would not be rebuilt.
However I enjoyed live my own very much, although it was only for five months.
It was a significant experience in my life.
Because I once completely gave up to belong any guys. And it was actually comfortable. I felt free although I lost my security.
If I were in Japan, I could not live alone, however in New Zealand I could have a hope that was from the government, unemployed benefit.
So I still had a chance to try to something in NZ.
In Japan I had no chance. That feeling was awful.

Now, our boat will be start to a new bon-voyage.  
I am sure we will have arguments sometimes, however we will be coop with them much quicker.Because we can feel we respect each other. I had never felt it before with my previous husbands. They were so unreliable however it was probably my fault. I made them unreliable.

Health note;
I still have strange feeling on my tongue. (Zala said "If you suffer under a poison, try to have more poison.") I said to her "I will try to have more water first." She also introduced me "Homoeopathy" . The doctors make us our own liquid, we drop it in our tongue, it works very well like a magic!!   
If everything will not help, I have to try them.

After I played tennis, my left leg got worse. I hope swim did not be a cause.
After the swim, my skin infection got worse again. (I might have to refuse the swim next week. My darling said "Protect yourself." and it is very important in NZ. Nobody protect me.)

Except above I do not have any problem so far.

Today

I was going to go to bed but I am not sleepy yet so I am intend to write this.
Today Mr. Perry said to me that he is going to charge me from next lesson.
It was just a good timing that I could finish my English lesson, because I did not need to make excuse from me! I shouted "Hooray!" in my mind.

He is a good teacher but not for me.
I like conversation a lot, do not like quiet lesson. I was always trying to not sleep at the lessons. (His room was quite warm and dark..)
However I understand his thought and probably his wife's thought too.
He had stomach cancer and got an operation last year. It was too late when he discovered the cancer. But the operation succeeded.
After the he has been always worried about death and his wife does not like it.

I felt sorry about the stopping our lesson. I could not help he to find other students. He bought a table and made his name cards, and so on for the preparing. 

By the way, I am sometimes not happy at stay home when my darling is here.
I am a very social person, so I want to share everything. I mean I cannot stay alone. Always need someone to talk.
My darling is an absolutely wrong person, lol.
But if I had noisy husband, it would be annoying as well.  
I like a person who is really good at catch my thought quick, and share the emotion together. I might be a really lonely person.
I like to be belong although I can be independent. I found it very recent.

Perhaps, I got use to live with somebody else.
As my darling say, I also like keep my own space at home, but he does it too much, lol. Never mind, he is a nice person basically.

Wow, I became hungry! I did not eat enough amount of dinner this evening as I went to play tennis as soon as I finish meal.
I thought I finally love play tennis. It is shame that my darling does not play tennis! However if he plays tennis, It would be also annoyed me.
Oh! what a selfish person I am today!?

Today, I saw a footprint on mixi that was my oldest daughter and I was so glad!
We are both clumsy people... Why we cannot talk friendly? just like normal mum and daughter. What I can do for it is just pray.
We will be fine one day. I will cross my finger.

I will go to bed soon.
I feel thanks for this period that I live far away from my home town.
Because I can think of my family much more than before. And I hope they too.
We are really clumsy family!
But we will get a right reward one day, I hope.

Stuck

It must be the happiest period in my life now.
I should not have any stress. However, why I am so mentally tired sometimes. 
Everything should be clear. I have no trouble, I am believing so.
Maybe it is time to make everything clear.

I sometimes think about the reason to came to New Zealand.
I was not sure what I was thinking about during I left Japan.
As my oldest said, I probably escaped from everything. Particularly my job.
After I became a nurse, I really enjoyed my job, however relationship with co-workers were always not very good. I think, I did not know how to handle it.

In New Zealand, especially in Whangarei (my present environment) all people are not wondering about me. It is very comfortable.
In Japan, I was a very unusual person and people around me were always watching me to what to did, do and will do next. 
I could not keep my privacy. One of the causes was the location of my house.
Another cause was even I was single...
In Japan, we have many causes which are annoy us. 
I recently thought we do not have enough personal space in Japan, too many people there.

My life in NZ is much easier and comfortable. We can have our own spaces.
Nobody do not care about neighbours or co-workers private life.
So, my oldest daughters thought was right. I escaped from them.
It is fine.

Now, what about family. Did I escape from my family too?
Maybe I did it half. Because I had to look after at least my mother and my cat.
Those were my responsibility. But they both past away.
My oldest might get angry about them?

What about my daughters. As my sister or others say, they are all grown up.
Maybe it was a good chance for separate from mother?
If I were there longer, I would have more trouble, I guess.
And it would be obstruct their independence.
When I think about my daughters, my middle might be OK as she lived with me longest. And my youngest maybe.

People make mistakes. For me, biggest mistake was the first marriage. I was too young to be a mother. And later my oldest became an adult as fast as me.
We are not like mum and child. Our age difference is maybe too small.
She had many experience while we had separated. I have never known.
So the attitude as a mother is not appropriate especially for her.
However she always said that children cannot chose a home which they born.
It means she is an unlucky person? I do not want to think so.
She has her own strengths that nobody has. My sister said she is an unusual person. Oh, my god! She probably most similar to me.

I just hope her happiness.
I think I could think about them much more than before from far place.
If I stayed Japan, most trouble made me unconcern. (I am sure this sentence does not make sense.)  I could not make right decision if some trouble happened. I had to slow down. Too many things annoyed me before.

I do not know when I can get away from this stuck.
Now a thing which I can do is just Be positive, and never show negative attitude to my daughters, because it makes them anxious. I need to stand positively. 

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A Long Weekend

We have three days off.
We went to the boat, my darling worked for the boat and I was knitting a scarf.
I found the bugs that I hated was sand-fry. I really hate them!
They suck my blood. They do not die easy...

According to the Internet, my tongue problem seems like too much extra water in my body. I need to move more or I might have a problem for my drainage system.
I see! Swollen things are not only tongue, under the eye, fingers, face,, 
I do not think I have had too much water, however I have realised I do not have enough urine maybe, I do not know.
I hope I do not have a kidney problem because my grand-mum and mum had the problem. 

I might have to check my blood, then if I will not have any problem, I should do more exercise.

Tomorrow we will see a Japanese sailor-man at the town basin. We saw his yacht today and I found "Osaka" letter on the boat. I hope they are from Osaka.
But,, I heard his accent on the phone and it was not Osaka's. 
Why I think such thing? I might be short of see Japanese?

By the way, my sister started to dating with a guy who she found on mixi. I am not happy about it. I think she is too easy going. But I can understand..
Why does not she look for a right guy, instead find easier on the Internet. I can not tell it ether.. It might be a good idea nowadays.

I found better guys on the Internet more than met at my work or somewhere.
Basically I do not like Japanese guys because they are bad. Some Japanese women are bad too. I found more natural to be with European guys.
Japan is too complicated country and most people are not natural any more.
I really think so recently.
They missed some important thing as human beings, and I did, too. 

The other day I thought I can write a story (book) about my previous loves. They were so strange, not natural at all. (Maybe that was just my problem, not for others.)
However today I got an email from my friend in Japan, she is still dating with marriage guy. It seems very strange to me now, but I used do not recognise about it for a quite long time. It was awful.
In Japan, it is very difficult to find a good guy. It is true. 
I do not know about other countries, but in New Zealand or the US the guys are much more natural. (I do not know many guys. So I am talking about the guys who I have known so far. For example my darling, Mark or Oscar.)

But if I write a book, it might surprise people, so it is better to not write.
My previous life was so crazy, I think. And I now feel natural. I am so glad about it. And I feel sorry for my sister and friend because they will not realise what is natural if they never go any where from Japan. It is sad.. They have to see more beautiful, natural and much better world. They should not stay in such a small world for their while life.
However they have their own life. I can not change them.

Still still

I am still thinking about my daughters.
Because I said to them "I will try to go to NZ for six months and will make sure there is good place to live or not."  So all my daughters were keep asking for a long time when I will be back to Japan.
I said when I can get my permanent residency, then the residency will be complete two years later, bra bra.... 

During waiting the residency, I could back to Japan and I should be work hard to get the job which is enough to live my own. So they were happy, I think.
(Today, my English is terrible because I am so tired and cannot consider about grammar.)
When I separated from my darling, my eldest looked happy.. not really, she looked like a winner. (She hates every men who close to me.)
But after I backed to my darling, she really hated me.
She always wants to protect me from everything and if I do not need her help, she is unhappy. I see. She wants my attention. (Yes! it is the best answer.) But why? Is she crazy?

Although she got married with nice husband, she still needs love from mother.
She is probably lack of love of parents, No! We (my first husband and I ) broke her heart a lot. However how long does it take to recover.
Maybe it will never recovered for ever? That is sad.

I am still thinking what can I do for her. If possible I would like to back to Japan and stay there for a year, have a cup of tea with her often, go travelling together often, chat together often.......? That is stupid idea!
She does not need physical help any more, instead, needs mental help, but how?

As I said, I am a awkward mother, so I have not any good idea yet.
Oh! why I am similar to my mum about it! We have done same things.
My mum, after she moved to rural town, we did not see each other often, so she sometimes sent me presents but I did not like them.
I liked just some money that was in the envelope with the present and I never used her present. (I just left them somewhere in my house, and later through them away to somewhere. What a bad daughter I was?)

Well, what can I do for her? She refuses phone call, she once refused any present, but now it is maybe OK. (no phone call yet.)
And why I have to worry about her too much? (Why I have to worry about let her get angry, I mean. I am her mum, not her younger sister or daughter, so why? Is she too old as my daughter? Am I too young as a mum? I do not know. )

In my mind, same thought run around over and over, so I might have to stop to think. However I think it is better thing then do not think about any of her.

My NZ life is happy imperfectly, that is OK. My life is always not perfect whatever. And I need to try to be happy perfectly. I have believed this kind of thought influences to others for sure. (ahhh! what a bad English. I am disappointed to myself.)   

Kirilancero

My older cat died day before yesterday and yesterday he was burned.
Sad.
I was really appreciate to my daughters (mostly to middle daughter) as she looked after him for a long time.
He came to us when my youngest was 8. Because my youngest had never been at home herself before but I had to leave her for my nursing course.
So we went to a pet shop to find a pet for her, however we could not decide what we buy.
We eventually found him in a box by the counter. There were some cats in the box and he was only one who had different colour. We decided to take him.
He was only 200g and able to stay on our palm! He was 6.5kg later.
He did not like be hold by anybody, he was a calm cat and did not play often.
However, when I first travelled to overseas, he missed me a lot and when I got home he had tears in his eyes.
He always slept with me, it was warm particular in the winter.
He was very quiet, just sat in sunny spot.
He looked after younger cat well.
After I decided to came New Zealand he sat on my knees often and looked my face, it was unusual.
When I was down he came on my knees and looked my eyes too, it looked like he asked me "Are you OK?"
He spent many years with us, 13 years.

I hope he went to heaven. 

Japanese

I recently think Japan is a quite unique country. 

We, Japanese are thinking that we are latest people or just follow the US in the world, and we have also believed our common sense is highest in the world. 
Because Japan is a small island and isolated from other countries. We have our own language and culture.
And not many foreigners come to Japan to live compare to other countries.
The most problem to accept other culture is our language, I think.
English is spoken in many countries as the second language, but in Japan, it is not.
Although we learn English for six years in the school, we do not have any chance to use it. Japan used has got strong economy, so we did not need to use English at the trade work. (My darling said that this sentence does not make any sense.)
I mean, in Japan, use Japanese is enough to do everything. 
We do not have any difficulty to find everything in our life.
Maybe we are spoiled by international companies.

I have to go soon, so I will write about it later.

Thanksgiving

Today we had Canadian Thanks Giving at our friend's house.
My darling made Stuffed Turkey and it was delicious!

We stayed there for TEN hours! I am exhausted. I feel I am getting old.
My darling is quite healthy so he can afford to these kind of parties. But I cannot afford any more. I want to go to bed until 10pm.
The other day I talked with my friend on the phone until 12:30am. and after three days I had been exhausted. Before that I did same thing for five or six hours, and  I was so tired after a week. I will try to not do that...

My daughters look OK so far. I was disappointed to myself about I gave a presser to my middle. (about marriage and grandchild) She might will not reply to me this time. 
She said eldest looks OK, so I am going to believe it.
My youngest, she said she is OK, but her mother in law is not good. She said she is stuck. I asked it might from her cancer (I did not say "cancer") and I said I hope she will get well. She is younger than me.
So now I have many people to pray before go to sleep every day.
Emiko, My Emi, Mika and Manami, my sister, Aya, the mother in law and my lovely darling.

I need to think of them in this Thanks Giving day. I am here because of them, they have been helping me emotionally a lot, will be help physically sometimes.
I believe God. We are the children of God. He always looks after us from the heaven. But I cannot ask something to him, I just pray instead.
And I am sure my pray will be done even any result will be happen.

The other day my sister said about my daughters "They have their own life, so you can enjoy your own life too." I was impressed. I can have my own life.
I am always thinking that my happiness does not exist without my daughters happiness. After I missed them I realised how do I love them.
I did not give them much love before. I am so awkward.
Pray for them is easier way for me. I do not have right, enough words for them except I give them hugs. (Unfortunately in Japan we do not have hug culture.)
I wanted to do hugs a lot more if I could.

It is time to go to bed. I will pray for them tonight too. Thanks.

Sister

My sister always helps me when I am down about my daughters.
I am going to try to be positive. I forgot what I say about it in English. "Touch the wood" " Touch your head" something like that.
So I am intend to say my ideal future for me and my daughters.

First, about myself, My darling and I will move to Australia, darling gets a get better job, I will be able to get a part-time job too, we will buy a nice house near the beach, organise the garden, save money and travel around everywhere, visit our family every year, sometimes go for sailing, enjoy our life. After retirement we will back to New Zealand or rural area in Japan, and enjoy the rest of our life together.
What a nice plan isn't it!?

Neat, my eldest daughter, she can save enough money by late 30s', a miracle will come to her and she will pregnant, she will be a housewife until baby will grow up, she has happy life with her husband and children, she will be more relax and healthier, enjoy her life, and we visit each other frequently.  

My middle, she recovered from previous love, finds someone who looks after her very well, if possible she has a baby, makes new family, enjoy her life, be happy all the time, be healthy, visit each other frequently.

My youngest, she gets her confidence back perfectly, be a nice housewife, sometimes work as a part-time worker, be happy with her family, be healthy, laughs all the time.

I sometimes could not sleep when I had negative thoughts, but I will change my mind and I always try to be positive, so an ideal life will come for sure.
I really want my darling to be positive too. So the power (energy?) is going to be double.

Anyway, now I am thinking about my new project that is make Christmas trees by patch-work materials. I need to make three trees. I had to realise it faster!
I will try my best to complete them by Christmas time.

Christmas Present

I went to bed once, but an idea occurred to me, I could not sleep, and finally I woke up again.
The idea is for a Christmas present for my daughters.
In Japan we can buy EVERYTHING we want, Japan is a huge market.
When I look for some present in Whagarei (small town) ,I cannot find any interesting thing. Although I could find some, they are all Made in Chine.
Made in China is not too bad and cheap, but I do not like their qualities.

So I am going to make some quilt Christmas Trees . I have never done that before.
Tomorrow I am going to a sawing shop in the town , then I will find some kits (But I will not buy them). I will search how are they made.
Once I knew how to make it, I am going to collect cheaper materials.

I do not know why I am so exciting to make Christmas goods, but I am sure all people like Christmas. It is fun! Green, red materials and more colour, many pretty ribbons or buttons and so on. Ornaments are also exciting to hand made. 
On the other hand, quilt Christmas tree can be fold, and light, so convenient to put in to the envelopes. Envelope cost does not much.  

Handmade must be fun. It takes time and perhaps my daughters do not like them however, they are original and exists only one in the world.   
They can also remake them later.
Anyway, when I think about the design, colour and materials, I cannot sleep!  

Tired

I do not know why, I am tired recently. I have got shoulder-ache (especially left shoulder). It sometimes brings headache too. 
I have many things to do. Practising  songs for our Christmas concert, English On-line course, writing for my English tutor, reading something, anything, in English for my learning, cleaning the house and knitting and so on.  
It seems like I do not have many things to do but I cannot keep my concentration to each thing. So everything is everywhere and they look like a big mess.

I need to charge my energy to next step, it is actually not MY step, it is our step.
My darling was in a limbo till recent, but finally he got out from there. He is still half in the limbo. We are both half in the limbo. 
We have many things that we have to do, but everything is going slow.
However it is a better change for us.

We moved to this small town last year, but it has not been a permanent place. I have been always thinking this place is temporary.
(I just got phone call, so I will write the rest of this story later.)

From this morning

I am going to continue the story from the last time.
Our first marriage was in terribly poverty. I think my husband had much regrets after he proposed me. I though that was my big mistake, but also a big mistake for him too.  He was not reliable at all. He should not have family.  I have no idea why he wanted to get marry with me. He said that he wanted to help me, because I looked so fragile. Yes, I was. But not fragile any more.g
To got strengths was one of good things from our poor marriage life. I had to work for my family otherwise we were not able to survive.  

I had completely no time to be with my children because of busy at work.
Although I was busy, I had to find a nice time with my kids, but I did not.
I am still enjoying my own life more than being as a mother. I might should not have any kid, so I could enjoy my life more.
But I do not think so. Even though I could not bring them up well, they are still my big treasures. They gave me an another life.

What I was going to write is, a person who is not taught how to bring up children is able to look after her children well, or not? I am sure my way of brought up children was not very good. However fortunately they are all nice adult now. I am glad about it.
I still need to work out with them? not physicality any more but more emotionally.  And I have totally no idea how to do it. I am also an awkward mother, I know...
It is no way except try with my best thought.

I need to talk with them soon about my remarry. New Zealand is too far for them. However when I will get older, I might need their physical help. Can I be easy going?? But before that I have to discuss about the future with them. All female like to know their further plan as they always ask "What will happen next?" It is a kind of hope for us.

Mother and Daughters

When I think about our relationship of my daughters and me, I do not know it is good or not really good.
I had no knowledge as a mother because my mother and I were vary far although we lived together for 16 years.
My mother did not let me help her housekeeping. She did not talk about herself. She was a very quiet person but also she was an awkward person too, I think.
So she did not talk any her trouble to me, however I was too young to hear about that.
Or, no, she told a lot that was a heaps of complaining about her husband.
I had believed my father was a bad person, oh, poor dad...
He was a busy business man and was not at home often. I did not know about him unless hear from mother.

I got married when I was 19 and got my first daughter when I was 20.
To be honest I did not know how to bring child up at all. And we were very poor, very, very! We could not buy anything even rice. We had completely no money.

(I have no time now. If I could remember about this story, I am going to write the rest of it.)

My team break will be finish

We had a Japanese lady at home Monday to Friday this week.
I met her on mixi and I thought she needed a help, then I helped her.
However I was tired since last week. So at first I was OK but form the middle of her staying I had been grumpy.
Because when she was getting up she was staying in our lounge. My darling and I slept in the lounge, so we had no private space. And I could not relax during day.
It was quite stressful but it was my fault, so I could not complain.
But I finally complained about it to my best friend and my darling (and darling's friend). I should not do that.

It was the last day for her today, so I decided to take her to Ngunguru beach.
The weather was nice, and she and I were happy to having lunch in a cafe on the beach. But I was still feeling sorry to her because I thought I was not a good host mother.

I took her to everywhere with me, I have believed that was good.
So my term break was very busy but they were fun.
She said that she was glad because she could meet a lot of people.
I was thinking that my term break was going to be boring, but it was not at all.

Now, my darling is working for applying to citizen ship. 
Once he success to do it, and get a job in Australia, we will be able to move there.
It will be a big change and I am quite exciting about it.
I do not mind to stay in New Zealand rest of my life, but I might be a person who loves changing.
I also have not given up to get better qualification in English whatever I will get a job or not, wherever I go.
I do not know why but I really want to be fluent user in English.
Maybe I have to take an IELTS exam at some stage that is the thing most I hate.
I will find other way of get some new skills hopefully.

However I am already a bad student in Online course! To be honest, it is boring.
I like lean English face to face with my tutor. It is my weak point. I always want to know the results quick, I cannot wait longer. I like fast feedback.
I need to lean how to wait...

I hope it will be sunny tomorrow. I would like to sit on the boat with my lovely darling. It is my favourite way to spend time in weekends.

A Nice Meeting

I went to a meeting tonight that was WINGS; women's newcomer group.
I knew about the group since I was in Wellington, but I did not want to join them because I was thinking that new comer sounds like refugee people who have suffered in new country. I was not like that, I thought, I was, actually.
But I did not want to think I was suffering. I was ENJOYING!

However my stubborn mind changed a little bit ; I can say that I am stubborn. 
I was also in a rush and tried to avoid Japanese to improve my English as faster as I could, but now I am slow down. I cannot to be a fluent speaker for three days.
Now I meet Japanese, I speak Japanese as well as English.
But I recently became to interested in writing in English more than Japanese, that is why I can continue this blog for three months, it is incredible!
I used to stop my English blogs for just three days, and any more.

Anyway, WINGS meeting was a big fun because all women in the group were chatting a lot. Tonight we enjoyed the French dinner, that was very nice!
And we promised to see each other again.
We are from many countries, very international, but all of them speak English. I really felt that I have learned English is good thing. I can talk many people in the world.

I have been this rural town for ten months now, and I knew a lot of people who are from work, chorus group, tennis group, our church and WINGS. And more, neighbours, so on.
I feel happy that I am a quite sociable person.

Difficult to keep my mind

It is already 11:36pm. My physically exhaustion is going away, but mentally, not.
I personally have some problem. 
They are difficult to explain even in Japanese.
However it is nearly time to have to rethink about my further life.
I mean, the clear reason for coming to New Zealand.
After moved to Morningside, I have had awful dreams sometimes, I am sure they mean a fear of my daughters.

Last night I told my darling about my dreams and my thoughts that relate to the dreams. And what do they mean. But his action was only about his fear.
When I said "I would like to back to Japan for a year." He said "I will miss you again, one year is too long and you won't be back never ever..."
He and I are totally different about family situation. He is a son and I am a mother.
I know, my daughters do not need physically help any more, they are not babies.
However they need probably a lot of mentally help.
Maybe it is too much thought of worried, but I can not stop to think about it.
And it is true.
Because when I left Japan, I said my leaving would be for six months.  
And I had an ambitious that I will get a good job in NZ, but I got my new husband instead. However getting new husband does not make any sense to them. 
They would say "What was your ambitious?" I have not got it yet.
I called Aya tonight and she said "I understand you."

My thought about an ambitious and a husband are totally different things.
It is very difficult to get an understanding from them, and it was a bit sad that my darling did not understand it too.
I said to him "When I am in trouble, you should help me." But he had no idea.
I am sure men cannot think about the relationship of mother and children.
Unfortunately we are different, but it is OK. We both need each other. 

Anyway, I have to fix my problem one day. However I have not known how to do it yet. I can just pray my daughters happiness to God. Their happiness is my mine too.

Three days continuous rehearsal

It was the third day of singing training, and I am completely exhausted.
I have an another busy day tomorrow.
In the morning I am going to visit John (I have not done any writing yet!), in the afternoon I ma going to the knitting group, then I am finally going to give up the Belly Dance lesson. It is TOO MUCH! for a day.
I have no idea when my exhaustion will be gone away.
And I do not know why I have a headache after the singing, recently.
I am trying to let my tension go away, however it does not go away.
Now my darling said "Time to go to bed." So I will go to bed too.

Busy Weekend

This weekend was crazy busy!...since last Friday.
I really want to write this blog, but I cannot do any more.
It is time to go to bed...sad.
I wanted to do some more On-line course, a writing for the next English lesson, some housekeeping and something more, hmm..
My brain is maybe full of thoughts from the two days voice training.
I have headache.
Last night I had headache too.

The voice training was fantastic! However I needed a bit too much effort, probably because I had to use only English. I needed heaps of concentration.
Anyway I am exhausted! I am going to go to bed!
I will write a summary of everything that happened this weekend, later.

Busy Weekend

This weekend was crazy busy!...since last Friday.
I really want to write this blog, but I cannot do any more.
It is time to go to bed...sad.
I wanted to do some more On-line course, a writing for the next English lesson, some housekeeping and something more, hmm.. 
My brain is maybe full of thoughts from the two days voice training.
I have headache. 
Last night I had headache too.

The voice training was fantastic! However I needed a bit too much effort, probably because I had to use only English. I needed heaps of concentration.
Anyway I am exhausted! I am going to go to bed!
I will write a summary of everything that happened this weekend, later.

My Lovely Darling (Touch the Wood)

While I am waiting new massage from Kan (She is my new network friend, her real name is Keiko? I think), I am going to write this blog.
My lovely darling is already in his (hopefully Japanese) dream.

Recently, I do not know what is he thinking about us, ( I am pretty sure he does not think anything about. ) but I feel a tiny thing happened on our relationship.  Maybe it would not be a big deal when we compare it with rest of our life. And I already realised the mechanism. If one of us comes unhappy, it influences others, particularly  in this small space (I mean our house). We have not had many same  interesting especially the things that we can do in the house.  

This time, he has been in a limbo for a quite long time, even though the limbo is a different kind from previous, he needs to find the way of get out.
We will have many limbo situation later, however stay positive is the only way of let them away, I think. But in the home,,,,

It is the half way through, but I am very sleepy, then I will write the rest of it later, if I would remember... 

Health

I finally played tennis today. The weather was not nice this morning, and at 9 o'clock we had rain. Some of members thought we had no tennis today, I think.
Most of members were coming late.
Fortunately rain was completely away whole we were playing tennis.


I also thought I was not able to play tennis today when I woke up because of very tired. But I did. That was good!  Recently I feel very tired when I am lack of sleep. 
When I was in Japan, my average sleeping hour was less than 6 hours, sometimes below than that. And I could not sleep continuously. I have got fast heartbeat when I just wake up since long time ago. However recently, when I have enough sleep I do not have such problem. Instead, I have got strange feeling on my tongue. But any doctor has not found what is wrong for my tongue, then I gave it up to complain about it to the doctors. 


I can play tennis only on my term break, maybe about ten times in a year.
So I am worried about my fitness. I need more exercise but I always drive my car to everywhere. So I am thinking about join a exercise group. Why group? Because, if I do any exercise myself, I stop it soon. Doing exercise myself is lonely and boring. However I am the age that I have to concern about my health.






 

A Sunny Day

Today I visited John as usual for my English lesson.
He said that today's my writing was worse than last week because the topic was a bit difficult. I wrote about GST. It will be increased from this Friday.

After that I went to Migrant Centre and I showed up there a bit earlier. So I visited Citizen Advice Bureau to ask some volunteer work on my term break.
I left my name on their training list and I talked with a volunteer guy about any opportunities for my speaking. And I also asked him about Belly Dance that I was thinking for my exercise, and a fun too.
Fortunately we have a Belly Dance group in the city. Or Irish Dance group.
They gave me a list of all hobby groups. I was a bit exciting.

Then I attended knitting group in Migrant Centre. There were eight people there from different countries that Scotland, China, Filipino,England, Russian and Japan ; it was me.
I had never done knitting before but the ladies were good teachers, and I learned hot to do plane knitting. And while doing knitting we were chatting about many things. It was really good for my English speaking practice.
I am going to go there next week as well.
After the group finished I talked with Russian person for a hour on the street.
She has been New Zealand for three years and she was same age with me. So we talked about our English improving stories a lot.
She taught me her address and we said good buy. I think I will see her again sometimes.

It was nice day today. I wanted to tell about today's knitting group to my Japanese friend and I called her several times, but she has not taken my call yet.
It is 9:35pm. I could not talk with her today, it is shame.
I just wanted to tell her how the knitting group was fun.

How to improve this blog?

One of to be my relatives is using same bloger, however her blog is more improving. For example, the title letter is bigger than mine and a lot of photos everywhere. Sometimes the font size is bigger or smaller, hmm... I need to study.

My Significant others

I have been down since last Friday and my darling says that I am grumpy.
The reason is my youngest daughter, oldest of course, probably middle too.
I have already known I would not back to Japan unless travelling.
All my daughters should know about it too, I hope. Yes, I told them.
We have known that.

However we still have some troubles about our relationship.
Let's try to think... the answer is " I am an unusual mother" at my age.
It is maybe a common sense only in Japan.
In other countries, many women are travelling in the world since long time ago.
But Japan is a quite isolated country. We have our own culture and language. And especially at my age, people do not like changing, I think.

So, I have sometimes been unhappy about our situation of my children and I. 
However it should not be a cause of worse relationship of my significant others and I. (I was mean today. Not mean, I wanted to some help from him.)
But I have also known my darling cannot help it.

When I think about my darling, he is not the father of my children, He can be, but very difficult as well as I cannot be a mother of his sons.
We had lived other countries with other culture and other language for a long years. His sons and my daughters cannot coop with because they are very different culturally. 
It seems difficult that get married to foreigner. Only my darling and I, it is OK. But if I think about whole our family, it sounds difficult.

However, on the other hand, we will know about different culture and we will understand each other much more later, I hope.   
International marriage is not too bad because it has advantage for sure.

Anyway, I have been bad mood and I feel sorry about it to my darling, but I cannot deal with my problem yet. Really bad.
I wish time will be gone faster and one day all my daughters understand me well. And I really hope that that they will visit me occasionally.

Yet

I am waiting a new screen for our main computer. I think it has broken since two weeks ago or more..
Yesterday my darling said "I don't like share my computer with others." and I said "ME TOO!" It has been inconvenient.
I would like to update more dairies and photos on my networks, but I cannot do them properly now. (I had forgotten about my On-line English course! I need to do that as well.)
 
Well, I enjoyed a volunteer singing for the Scotland band in Whangarei today and last night. Margaret called about it and I was so glad about it.
I was not familiar with her before because she did not say hallo to me when I first joined to the chorus group. So I was quite surprised when she gave me a phone call about the singing.

She is one of the Scotland Band with her husband and son. She is amazing!
She is 40's but she looked very nice in her costume and her drumming was excellent and also her vocal was beautiful! I am sure she has practised a lot.
I like her now although I am not sure she likes me or not.

After the singing I had a cup of tea with some of the members from WHC.
I am happy to stay in Whangerei now and I will miss them a lot if I would move to somewhere, anywhere, sad...
However, on the other hand, I can extend more friends spread worldwide. 
 



 

My Daughters

Sometimes my daughters make me anxious, and each time I think "Why did I come to New Zealand? Should I stay here? Am I selfish?"

I am a person who is always challenging to new things. (I am not really happy about this expression, I mean not the real meaning, sentence. I am sure I should find better sentence! )

Even though I was able to afford to my previous marriage life (time and money both), I was still doing something that weren't for my children.

(I think this sentence also does not make scenes )  

I am easy to forget my mother's work. Since I became mother, my thought is "Look at my attitude as a human being, then follow my example." However this thought should not be mother's.

In my mind, my ideal mother is ; wakes up in early morning, makes breakfast and lunch boxes for the children, then does some housekeeping, if the husband cannot afford to support his family, does to part-time work in day time, and gets home a bit earlier than children, makes dinner and talk everything with children. When they are in troubles, gives them wisdom, etc, etc.

But I am not like that at all.

I have not taught right ways to my daughters directly.

I have always been in my own troubles and seeking a right way to the next step.

I am not perfect at all.

( I think I am negative today. Because I got a mail from my youngest daughter and she has been missing me a lot, but I cannot help her. It is sad.)   

Today, when I read her mail, I thought she needs more supports, and I left her too early. I did not realise that. I am not a good mother.

When I think about my daughters, I always, always! feel guilty. I do not know how can I coop with my children because my mother never taught it to me.

However when I am thinking about myself, I also wanted to more supports from my mother. I just felt I found an answer!

Until I can forgive my mother, all my daughters also do not forgive me.

I have to start to concern something new. I want to find what is it? ; my mother's bond and relationship problems. 

Recent

Our main computer screen has broken now, so I have to share a laptop with my darling. Yesterday I asked him "If, if, if you can not use any computer after you get home until go to bed?" He answered " I'm going to be crazy."
He loves programming work, so he is always with his computer. I can not use the computer when he is at home. I think I am not computer addiction, but computer is very convenient!

(It is the half way through on writing this blog. But I now saw a Belly dance on the TV and I was soooo impressed! I really think dancing is very good for my exercise   
! I might find a dance group.)

Back to the topic. So I recently do not write a diary on mixi, and I do not keen to my on-line English course. However I have to catch the course up, so I will try hard on my term break ; it is two weeks from next week.

Anyway, recently nobody correct my writing on Lang8 website, sad...
I think people on the computer, their interests are changing every time, so they might not stick at same website. I mean they ; include me, are board to the websites if they are busy at other things. We are not computer addiction at all?!

I met Zela yeaterday, I also met John the other day, they both said that my English speaking skill is not improving. I really think so because I do not need to speak decently. Most people current around me understand me although I make mistake with the grammar or pronunciation. I mean they got use to my horrible speaking, and I have been lazy to the learning.
Now Zela has stopped to teaching so I might ask John to correct my speaking instead the writing for a while.

I have an idea that I realised last night in bed. I have difficulty when I explain something at the bank, AA, post office, an inquiry and so on.
I do not have much difficulty to talk about my daily life with people, but explain particular situations are a bit difficult. So I am going to ask the practice to John.

Learning other language takes really long time but I hope I would not forget that once I got it. I really really want to get real job in English even though part time or work at home. I would like to complete my English skills as well as native speaker. 

I AM Happy

I am happy whatever!
As I said, I was grumpy the other day, not grumpy, I might lost my confidence.
However this time I got it back very quick, also my younger sister's message helped my recovering a lot.
The reason which I lost my confidence was the phone call that I made with my new friend. 
I told too much my personally things to her about my family. She is a mental health nurse, so I know these kind of person likes investigate others life histories.
And they are good at bring out stories from others, so I talked too much.

She has got everything that I want to have, especially English skills. So I absolutely felt jealous and I had forgotten about the view from her. I was talking about only my things and I had not realised that she also felt jealous with me.( I was not sure.) 
Anyway, I did not need to compare her to me at all. As I said her and my life are totally different. I actually have got everything that she wants to have, so we are same. I was negative so I thought she was much happier than me. 

I stopped to be negative and I stopped to compare about myself to others. I should have my own pace (speed?) and I have my own life, then it should be happy. I should not lose my confidence. It is sometimes difficult.
However at least I need to try to put me in happiness always. (Probably my expression is strange.)
And recently I found a tip of the hint for being happy. ( I am sure this sentence is also strange.)
It is 1:15am. now, but I do not sleepy and I have still enjoyed English writing.

A Long Day

It is Saturday today, but I got up early as usual.
I washed clothes, then my husband said "We should go to the boat."  So I made sandwiches and we went to Opua that we park our boat there.

He worked on the boat and I brought a book for spending my own time. However the weather was awful. It was cloudy, sometimes rain and cold. 
I could not stay on the deck.  I got into the cabin but it was windy, then the boat swung. I tried to take a nap instead of reading, but I got sea-sick.

The weather got better later, so I backed on the deck again even it was still cold.
We stayed on the boat about 3 hours and went home.
On our way go to the boat, we visited our friend and my husband called him to our dinner. So on our way back we went to shopping and got some food.

Our friend showed up just before 6pm. We enjoyed the chatting a lot, it is already midnight and he is still here. It is Saturday night, it is OK.
He was going to stay here overnight but he has just left.
We, three people, also enjoyed the dancing because we had background music.
I do not drink and I got tired, however I wanted to write this blog today.(Oh, no it is already Sunday!) Good night.

I feel bad

I was not bad this afternoon. As the duty manager said, I went to Migrant Centre and talked to them.
At first I should explain about the duty manager. As my new friend said, I called the hospital and asked about a position for the volunteer interpreter. I thought I can work as a interpreter quickly without any extra skills.
The manager said that I need to send my CV to let her know my detail. My CV is a bit old ; does not have current situation. So I asked my referee to my boss.
Then the manager said that another option is visit Migrant Centre in the town because they have an information for the training.  
I did not want to go to Migrant Centre because I did not want to people think about me a new migrant.
However the weather became nicer in afternoon, so I changed my mind and went there to try to get some new information.
As I thought they thought I am a new migrant and try to introduce me some English course or home tutor. I think I seemed a bit grumpy person.
Because I have done many English courses and I have already had English tutors, I had really done a lot of courses to improving my English. But I have realised study only "ON THE DESK" does not work well.
I have always looked for the opportunities for a lot of conversations.
Then I told them about that, they understood me and introduced a craft group. They said that they have a lot of conversation in the group. But, to me it sounded not very good because of all of them are new migrant.
I really really want to talk with native English speakers.
I have not use to talk with people in English and I am still shy to make mistakes.
However I like talk with others, work in a group and help people.

In the evening I phoned new friend and talked too much about myself. I think some of my talking were like a complaining. I was really bad. Finally she made an excuse ; I was pretty sure it was excuse, and finished the phone call.
After that I felt bad to myself and I realised I was very grumpy today because the people in Migrant centre treated me like a new migrant.
I might be new migrant. When people will treat me not as a foreigner? I was sad.
But it was not a reason I made complaining to new friend. So I am not going to call her for a while.